February 28, 2009

TAY BRIDGE, SCHMAY BRIDGE

While visiting the city (nearby Dundee), Ulysses S. Grant commented that the Tay Bridge was "a big bridge for a small city".

BY THE WAY, AMERICA. ABE LINCOLN was just numeraled #1 president of ALL TIME.

YOU KNOW WHO Abe Lincoln REALLY LIKED?

ULYSSES S. GRANT! (american hero who has a good eye for bridge environment aesthetics)

You know who the Tay Bridge likes?

SECRET DEATH

"Tay Bridge" was the codename for the funeral plans for Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother.

WE CANNOT TRUST SECRET DEATH AND WE CANNOT TRUST THE TAY BRIDGE!

Based on my not knowing if the Brooklyn Bridge has been refurbished and my stubborn belief that a TRUE AMERICAN BRIDGE could and would never need to be refurbished, I am betrayed by the Tay bridge (a refurbished bridge).

In 2003, a £20.85 million strengthening and refurbishment project on the bridge won the British Construction Industry Civil Engineering Award, in consideration of the staggering scale and logistics involved. More than 1,000 tonnes of bird droppings were scraped off the ironwork lattice of the bridge using hand tools, and bagged into 25 kg sacks.

PORK BRIDGE SPENDING. IS A REFURBISHED BRIDGE THE SAME BRIDGE?

WHO IS THE "TAY" BRIDGE?

WHY DOES IT NEED REFURBISHING?

Does the Brooklyn Bridge need refurbishing?
Not as far as I know.
Probably not.

Check this out. At the time of the Brooklyn Bridge's completion, the first and last names of the President of the USA and the New York Mayor, individually, were slant rhymes!

President Chester Arthur and New York Mayor Franklin Edson


hm...
Queen Elizabeth

Also,

George Parker (1870 – 1936) was one of the most audacious con men in American history. He made his living selling New York's public landmarks to unwary tourists. His favorite object for sale was the Brooklyn Bridge, which he sold twice a week for years.

And it doesn't stop there:

Other public landmarks he sold included the original Madison Square Garden, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Grant's Tomb and the Statue of Liberty. George had many different methods for making his sales. When he sold Grant's Tomb, he would often pose as the general's grandson.

George Parker, Ulysses S. Grant, Abe Lincoln, Brooklyn Bridge, America.

DO WE WANT A refurbished, secret death UNAMERICAN Bridge?

NO!
WE WANT THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE.

Art: 2057 Pink Smiley Face Clouds

The Artist Stuart Semple released 2,057 pink smiley face clouds into the skies above London. They're made of biodegradable soap & helium, & dissolve after half an hour. Writes Mr Semple: "I just wanted to make a piece of work that would cheer people up a bit."

Five-Minute Versions of Modern History Movies: "The Queen" (2006)

Interior - Day - Prime Minister Tony Blair's House in Sedgefield, Summer 1997
Blair is watching television with his family. Several other hip 90s politico-types walk to & fro in the background.
A montage about Princess Diana's life & death is on endless 24-hour news repeat.

Diana (on television)
Why can't we all just get along?

Cut to a stock-clip of a pundit criticizing the royal family for not flying the flag at half-mast or making any public statement following Diana's death.

Tony Blair
Will somebody please save these people from themselves?

Cherie Blair
Perhaps now the world will see the royal family for what they are: freeloading, emotionally-retarded nutters!

Tony Blair
I really think you're being too hard on them.

Interior - Day - The Queen's isolated 40k-acre estate in Middle Earth.
The inner HMHs are watching television. On tv, thousands of people are putting flowers outside Buckingham Palace.
The television cuts to Diana's interview with Martin Bashir

Diana (on television)
The royal family was mean to me!

Queen Elizabeth
My people will understand that this is a private family affair, regardless of those crazy millions of people being soaped up by the media. They will calm down. It is the British way, it always has been. I am their Queen.

Prince "Helen Lovejoy" Philip
Won't somebody please think of the children?

The Queen Mum
I don't like homosexuals.

Prince Charles
I'm a modern man.

Interior - Evening - Tony Blair's house
The Blair family is watching television. On TV, Queen Elizabeth is finally giving an address about Diana's death.

Tony Blair
Now see, this - this is political survival. She's a genius!

Cherie Blair
You're still in love with your mother. At the end of the day, all Labour Prime Ministers go gaga for their queen.

Crickets & Rats on the Brooklyn Bridge



I notice it's been a week since my political attack ad hit the radio waves - the Brooklyn Bridge: IS IT LONG ENOUGH? And yet, I haven't heard a peep from Brooklyn.

The rap battle between the New Tay Bridge & the Brooklyn Bridge can be traced to several "hip-hop" songs, all available in our 2009 debut EP, rap songs about bridges, from bridges, for bridges. They are here.

I mention this all, because I have added a poll to the lefthand sidebar, just below the tweetosphere feed, to get a feel for how the electorate is responding to the attacks, before the 2009 election. James Carville worries that William McGonagall's negatives may have been ratcheted way up after all the radio spots, but we're in crunch time here Turd Blossom.

Our friend Dr Eley-Nelson was kind enough to e-mail this doggerel in support of our hip-hop work set to classic bad 19th Century poetry about bridges:

From:
To: "James Welsch" _@itwaslost.org
Subject: Benefactum

Nice work. I'm sure McGonagall's spirit is suffused with warm well being. Or rather,
James Welsch, you have to music put
A poem about trains and their attendant soot
Or rather of the bridge's o'er which they roll
Which strikes this writer as being rather droll
Your take on the work of William McGonagall
Will surely be well received by all.

How To Beard: Suggestions thru the Tweetosphere

samamidon
olaf mary, teach me about BEARDS

OlafMary
we c
an start with the history of beards: beards go way back. before history.


samamidon
thank you olafmary. question # 2: how do i grow one?

OlafMary
I thoug
ht this might be the central "thrust" of your inquiry. Talk to genetic engineers. Go back in Time, make Peter eat more spinach. Wait.


OlafMary
option 2: cut some hair from your head, apply one side of double-sided tape to upper lip, affix hair to other side. Wait for your cheeks.


OlafMary
Wait for your cheeks to respond from the encouragement.


OlafMary
from
? to? of? also find out what brand of whiskey Ulysses S Grant drank and drink it. Wait.

OlafMary
option 3: buy a floppy hat, a gray suit, and some big ears. then write a really long poem called, "Son
g of Myself." Wait.

OlafMary
look to other parts of the body as possible beard habitats. perhaps your pubic hair is a "
penis beard." maybe your armpit hair is


SSandrigon
How to beard #5: Hold your cheeks against dry ice for 5⅞ hours. If this doesn't work, you are a damn fool.


SSandrigon
How to beard #7: Apply to the circus & when the there aren't any openings for the pinheads or strong men, become the bearded lady.

February 27, 2009

Conversations: & notes from the from 22nd Century itwaslost.org board meetings

Grâce has joined

Olaf: sweet potato. delicious.
Grâce: OH MY GOD
so many virtual handsome men
10:34 AM Olaf: hey everyone is here
Grâce: in one chatroom
so much virtual facial hair
it's overwhelming
Olaf: i have been eating a lot of baked potatoes and sausage
me: Not me, I'm as naked as a baby's butt
10:35 AM Olaf: i am returning to my roots. i used to hate these things: oatmeal, baked potato, sausage. what has happened?
i am irish
Grâce: haha
10:36 AM liam's mixtapes are crack. does everyone concur?
me: I call this meeting to Hors d'œuvre
Grâce: I propose a motion to officially say that liam''s mixtapes are crack
me: I second that motion, but forward an amendment
To spearhead an initiative
10:37 AM Of free love on the free love highway
Olaf: hot love where?
Grâce: sounds enticing
me: All in favor?
J___ Quill: why limit it to the highway?
and I think it should be on the freeway
Grâce: yeah. i'm with quill
me: Peg-legged Pete?
J____ Quill: because the hot love is already on the highway
me: "Arrrrrr!"
Grâce: the freeway, and the highway
both
Olaf: hot love on the on the hotlove high way free love on the free love freeway
10:38 AM Grâce: welsch, this dialogue should be included in your text message novel
it should be a chat and text novel
there are too many good chats
fo them to be excluded
J____ Quill: so much intermingling on the internet
everything is a part
10:39 AM Olaf: of everything
Grâce: Quill, what are you wearing?
J____ Quill: boots
Grâce: excellent
J____ Quill: I flooded my kitchen doing laundry
Olaf: muddy? snowy? laced? furry?
10:40 AM watch out!
J____ Quill: they seem to be laced
me: Let's twitter it.
Olaf: soapy flood
Grâce: how does your cat feel about the flood?
Olaf: did you slide around?
me: Tweet
Grâce: is it on the lamp again, or whatever?
10:41 AM didn't the cat go up on top of something and made you jump and cut your head?
I totally don't remember the story right
J____ Quill: he doesn't care for the flood so much
Olaf: Headline news in Santa Fe, "Nurse: 'Fiero Pompous and Drunk'"
i love your photo in the paper james
me: What does that mean?
Olaf: it really does look like harry potter
J____ Quill: Labor!
Grâce: headline news in new York City: "the economy is shit"
10:42 AM me: I'm sick of the economy. Can't we have another election?

February 26, 2009

DOLORES - now a hymn for vibraphone & organ

I casually offered to Mrs Whiting Smith (pictured here after solving the Case of the Runaway Roto-Toms) to write a piece for her percussion & organ recital. She politely declined, but then a few days later, called me & told me to write her a piece immediately. (Apparently one of the programmed pieces was ridiculous or something.) I spent all yesterday arranging one of my folk hymns into a dramatic & loud piece for organ & vibes. The original song was an arrangement of a cheesy Christian pop song from 1990, but in this incarnation, you would be hard pressed to recognize the original (the melody has all but disappeared, it's more like variations on the soprano & bass harmonies in the folk hymn.) Anyway, I know this isn't of much interest to readers, until I can post a recording or something, but I wanted a moment to revel in the immediacy of internet - I can be gee-chatting with a friend in Cincinnati on Monday, spend Tuesday composing, post a rough draft of the score to a photo album that night, & they can read thru it on Wednesday morning. (There's a slideshow of the score here, remember it's only a rough draft. I need to fix up some things, like put the vibraphone part onto one staff. & since I don't know how to write for organ, I left the part pretty vague & will fill it in with suggestions from the organist. Also, my friend's scanner is pretty clunky, so there's some distortions in the score.)


They're also programming Nico Muhly's Beaming Music, which you can hear at his website here.

The name "Dolores" is usually short for La Virgen María de los Dolores, virgin Mary of Sorrows. Since the hook of the original christian tune is "go west, young man", for mysterious theological reasons which happily fit in perfectly with the theosophy of my Western Shape-Note hymnal (like for instance, see the lyrics to this song), I thought Mission Dolores, the original mission on the peninsula, best represents the ultimate Californian destination. Mary's sorrows, of course, are her burdens & her grief, so there is a bit of the pain-is-pleasure aspect found thru-out Christianity; & altho this piece doesn't really have anything to do with Virgin Mary, I like the subtle meanings of that word.

February 24, 2009

Mixtape was lost! Presents: New Orleans was Found!


BEARDED GALENA

a valuable beard link

http://flashyourstache.wordpress.com/tag/beards/

The Neck Beard





Bad Beard

February's not over yet. Let's do a Worst Beards feature.

I submit for your consideration: David Beckham's beard in late 2008. Ugh.



It includes an audio bit that I spliced for you from last week's World Football Weekly podcast on the BBC (20 seconds).

February 23, 2009

DOLORES - Shape-Note Score & Demo Solo-Quartet Recording



This is a song I found from my research into Christian Rock. I'd like to exert a greater effort searching thru that mysterious genre (and all Modern Christian music in general, from the bland devotional to the underground rap) looking for the rare gems. Thank you Mrs Whiting Smith for tipping me off to some of the stuff she listened to in her born-again youth. Michael W Smith is a real find, the sexy 1980s Christian Pop. I arranged this song last year, into a four-part shape-note folk hymn, & spent quite awhile tinkering with the harmonies & rhythms. Some of the words have been changed, & many of the harmonies. The attempt was to find the traditional American roots in the flashy 80s pop song. I'm not sure I succeeded, but the result is at least interesting. These demo recordings, I remind you, are simply to preview the harmonies, I apologize for their amaturity. (Download that mp3 here. If you'd like a pdf of the score, it's page 8 in this pdf.) The handsome bearded man pictured is John Babson Lane Soule, the man who actually originally supposedly said "Go West, young man."

February 22, 2009

BEST (and best looking) ACTOR


yum. eat it, Sean Penn.

(you all remember what I said about the wrestler. the script couldn't keep up with my man Mickey's acting. Even Penn knew Mickey should have gotten it)

THE BIG NIGHT: Oscar Preview!

Oscar Predictions & wishes:

In a perfect world, this man would win Best Actor, Best Director, Best Cute Face, Best Glasses, & Best skinny male hooker butt. But it is not a perfect world, & movies like Into the Wild & Milk sometimes get overlooked.

Let it be known to the world: I dream of Emile Hirsch every night.

I videochatted with Mr Mary in Sante Fe for the first time today. I could see his mustache, the man sitting next to him (see below), a long loud conversation by other cafe neighbors about the boring novel they're co-authoring. I do not own a webcam. The man sitting next to Mr Mary has a website that has poetry written by his grandfather. It's like a hip-hop album waiting to happen. I sang "I'll follow the sun" into my microphone, & carried on a conversation where I spoke & Mr Mary typed back (he was in a cafe after all.) It looks like this in my archives:

3:37 PM it is good to hear your voice
good.
i think
in Jaipur
i wish she would write again
just that she is there and
Northish
pink City
where here family lives
her
the Bhatts
3:38 PM one of teh Bhatts play on Mixtape vol. 2
yes. the ol' family
that is a fucking great idea
no
but i maight be able to find one
3:39 PM i have been watching many silent films lately
pizza?
i wish i could point my computer at more people without them noticing
3:40 PM good idea
3:41 PM yes.
relatively slow
3:42 PM someone just farted
real bad
i fart alot too
in the morning
loud, but not smelly
me: Did you see Annalee with a moustache!?!?!
Olaf: yeah. sexy
me: She is the future
3:43 PM Olaf: yo
hey
i have no idea
something technical
3:44 PM exactly!
they are taking up all of the sound space in the entire cafe
i think it is a performnce piece in the spirit of McGaonagall
hm?
yes
3:45 PM i am cooking uo a retort from the bklyn bridge
like this perfect
yes
and also other stuff
i duno
oscars?
dudes next to me?
jimi hendrix
my love is like
3:46 PM a red red
nose
drunk
and fat
by whom?
child
astone
how about strange
3:47 PM Oliver Strange
hey!
nice connection
middle name should be Thousand Gold Umbrellas
it is also a hitchcok movie
Topaz
not his best
3:48 PM espionage
good song
i guess you can't group video chat? what the fuck?
typing?
I have no other Oscar Predictions. My review of Benjamin Button is here. Hugh Jackman is a classy fellow & should do a splendid job. Also there is Emile Hirsch.

can you hear me giggle?

can you hear me giggle?
ssandrigon: Yes, loud & clear giggling. I HAVE INSTALLED VIDEO CHAT
They're discussing again. AND SOME OF THE RESULTS ARE
me: yes. AMAZING.


A MAN SITTING NEXT TO ME AT THE CAFE
WHEREAT
I FIRST VIDEOCHATTED WITH S.SANDRIGON
HAS A CAT NAMED SPOOTIE:


taoist echo pet

stoic hat to pee

spice hoot teat

this cat pee too

chase to tiptoe

atheist coo pet

o she, attic poet


Mix Tape was lost Vol. 2


Paparazzi 2001: Great Lords & Ladies with Beards & Mustaches

Friend-of-the-Blog & good-woman-in-a-tight-corner Miss Annalee F. was photographed by undercover photojournalists at this SWANKY New York party, with a sequined woman on her arm & a fat bandito MUSTACHE on her face.

Scandalous! I trust the itwaslost.org treasury secretary will fully understand appropriating the entire spring budget to pay the paparazzi who snapped this shot.

When I was talking to the documentarian (mentioned below) who is just finishing her movie on the Beard Club, I asked if she met any bearded ladies. She said Jennifer Miller (pictured in an artsy Leibovitzy rendering to the right) of New York City's Circus Amok, is the most famous living bearded lady. More on this to come.

In the meantime, watch this classic Christian Rock from the 1980s.


February 21, 2009

Introducing: Mix Tape was lost!


Department of Beards: Conspiracy of Beards, The Beard Club, Bears

Two acquaintances of mine - a coworker & an Russian accordion player - are in a choir that sings around the Bay Area, The Conspiracy of Beards. While the title I presume is a Leonard Cohen reference, they don't necessary have much to do with the Department of Beards, except that many of them have beards, dress smart, wear hats, & sing choral arrangements of Leonard Cohen songs. "They know how to be men," stressed the gallery owner where I saw them. They'll be singing in the New York City area in April, stop by & see them New Yorkers!


I saw them do their thing at the Million Fishes Gallery last wednesday, & I struck up a conversation with a woman who was there to meet my friend, who had promised to play the accordion on the soundtrack to her upcoming film: a documentary about beards and mustaches! I of course told her about The Department of Beards at itwaslost.org, & we will be promoting this film to our blogospherical utmost. Unfortunately, the trailer isn't embeddable, but go here to the Beard Club website & watch it. The trailer has some nice interviews with the Handlebar Club in London, & of course San Francisco's own Bears (as in, hairy gay men & the men who love hairy gay men. The flag from Bear Nation is at the top of this post.)

February 20, 2009

Brooklyn Bridge Attack Ad: "BUT IS IT LONG ENOUGH??"

D.B. Steinem says his Brooklyn Bridge is the "fulfillment of an artists dream."

But do the facts check out!!??

At fifty-nine hundred feet long, the so-called BROOKLYN bridge stretches almost five thousand feet shorter than the beautiful NEW TAY RAIL BRIDGE in Dundee.

Is that long enough for America?

At 10,710 feet, the New Tay Bridge is the longest railway bridge of the present day.

William Topaz McGonagall wrote that the beautiful New Tay Bridge is "strong enough all windy storms to defy".

Can we even trust the Brooklyn Bridge to stand up to the wimpiest little gale?
Can America risk finding out?


Doing the most basic investigation on the Brooklyn Bridge on the WIKIPEDIA, we learned that suspension bridge-making pioneer John A. Roebling, whilst surveying for the Brooklyn Bridge, got his foot "badly injured by a ferry, pinning it against a pylon; within a few weeks, he died of tetanus." What's the matter, John A. Roebling, jaw too LOCKED UP to complete the Brooklyn Bridge? Succeeding him, his son Washington Roebling, came down with a little case of THE BENDS. Does this sound like confident leadership to you, or does it sound like typical New York politics, typical Kennedyesque nepotism? LOCKJAW? DECOMPRESSION SICKNESS? That doesn't sound like competent bridgebuilding, that sounds like DEAD bridgebuilding.

"Besides," says William Topaz McGonagall, "the railway carriages [on the beautiful NEW TAY BRIDGE] are pulled across by a rope, / Therefore Brooklyn Bridge cannot with thee cope."


...is it long enough?...
...wimpiest little gale...
...typical Kennedyesque nepotism...


Sorry, D.B. Steinem, the fulfillment of the artist's dream was built in Dundee in 1883.


Vote NEW TAY BRIDGE in 2009.
Strong enough for Dundee.
Strong enough for America.

February 19, 2009

OEDIPA - Shape-Note Score


On February 5th, I put up a demo recording of my four-part shape-note tune OEDIPA. But like a fool! I had lost the scanned copy of the score. Well, I just rescanned it & here it is. The lyrics are in the original post here. Click on either of these two players for a rough idea of what it might sound like.


February 18, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEW TRAVEL CORRESPONDENT COSMO P. WERNICKY BALL

Gee; If you were here I would probably look something like this:

Some Other People We Know might look like this:

Some Day You And Me Gonna Rule The World:


I Hope You Are Celebrating:




FOUND! Rare take of New Tay Bridge by McGonagall Sister and Brother-In-Law


Didn't Hear a Peep from the New Tay Bridge

Unearthed: D.B. Steinman Records Rap Track Regarding Bridge Design and Beauty Before McGonagall, Before His Own Birth!




Comments on my Rutherford B. Hayes poem: "you are too talented to waste your talent on porn."

I posted my Presidents Day doggerel poem as a note on facebook (click on the bottom of the photo of Rutherford B Hayes to read the original poem), & this amazing conversation was spawned in the comments section:

S__ Welsch at 3:45pm February 16
James, you are too talented to waste your talent on porn. I see a great future for you as a poet if you could clean your act up.

J__ Welsch at 4:26pm February 16
Porn!! Doggerel poetry hardly qualifies as pornographic, mom!

S__ Welsch at 4:45pm February 16
James, I meant this as a compliment. Your poetry is very clever; I guess that I just don't like some of your choice of words. It seems like porn to an old fuddy duddy like me.

J__ Welsch at 5:02pm February 16
Which words don't you like? I understand "turnip" is very suggestive, & that beards in general appear all over pornography. As far as content, tho, there's naughtier jokes in shakespeare.

S__ Welsch at 7:37pm February 16
James, Scott just read it and agrees with you. However, when he read it out loud to Maria, she agreed with me. It must be a gender issue. I don't like using words about a woman's anatomy and discussing what would be done with it. I know I am a prude, but I can't even repeat what I don't like. However, you are very clever. Scott liked your poetry.

J__Welsch at 12:50pm February 17
Scott is a man of cultivated tastes! Also, Liam wrote to me: "there is nothing wasteful about porn. why is porn a bad word? i see a great future for you as a porn star , if you would just give up on that poetry nonsense".