Donald Trump: WHY WON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE!?

Potential Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate to Newsmax this week. However, he only released a internet image of a short-form, probably faked document. Patriots of this country are now left to wonder: WHY WON'T HE RELEASE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Here is the "image" he "released":

Several glaring questions are now raised in this new festering conspiracy:

1) Even if this document is legitimate, it still does not say anywhere on it that Jamaica Hospital is in New York, U.S.A. This could be Jamaica, Jamaica, or, more probably, Jamaica, Libya. (That's right: Libya, hostile nation to U.S.A. and also an atheist mooslim country in North Africa.)

2) The document uses wordage like "whereof" which is silly and I have never seen a real birth certificate using the word "whereof" therein, therefore it is clearly a forgery thereof. Q.E.D.

3) Two words: LOOSE SEAL. (Mother!)

4) Speaking of mothers, Donald Trump's was Scottish. So even if Trump was born in Queens in 1946, her British citizenship would make Trump an alien limey, a citizen of the British Empire (including Kenya), and it would be illegal for him to also be a citizen of the U.S.A. (as it clearly says in Article X-49 in the Constitution.) We have never had a President who was born in the British Empire (except for Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Monroe, Adams, and Jackson.)

Do the right thing, Trump. Put this controversy to rest. If you aspire to be the President of the United States, RELEASE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

Sacred Crèche

Happy Christmas, world! While I cook chinese food with some jewish friends, I'll offer you a new "sacred song" poem:

Sacred Crèche

A half dozen young geese clumped behind their mother,
Out in the duck pond behind the watering trough.
It’s cold, but they haven’t flown North:
Certain meteorological events have kept them from flying off,
So they cuddle in the dark, bodies close to each other.

Maureen Dowd announces it in the New York Times:
Her brother Kevin owns about seventeen Christmas crèches,
Hundreds less than some collectors’ collections, & for what it’s worth,
A child is born, the wings of a swallow, the little wishing fishes,
And all the other animals for which the rappers know no rhymes.

There’s two rats in my nursery,
So much incense, & other useless gifts for a baby,
Several unexpected human guests, uninvited, and others missing:
My midwife is imprisoned at the airport in St. Louis,
And the bridegroom & his beloved are in Vegas for their millennial anniversary.

The geese stretch their pinions to the four winds,
Take to the night, & fly into the east star.
Their take-off ripple in the duck pond freezes like an old man reminiscing.
Take to the night in Phaethon’s stolen car:
Just six friends on a sacred joyride, six friends, a means & no ends.

Maureen Dowd calls me on a two-way radio.
We rent out billboard space in Times Square
To advertise the the dawn with the world’s largest ultrasound.
Meanwhile, in a cave owned by an exiled billionaire,
In relative anonymity, a booby bird makes a nest out of guano.

There’s two rats in my nursery,
Joined by the widowed mother goose,
While bankers watch their stocks, all seated on the ground.
Since antiquity, the rats have had nothing to lose.
Their story is a universal story, a cursory, unmiraculous story.

Mix Tape was lost! Vol. 41

HIYA. HERE'S A NEW MIX TAPE FOR EVERYONE TO LISTEN TO.

IT IS A QUICK ONE, A FUN ONE.

GIVE IT A SMILE AS YOU PASS IT ON THE WET STREETS.

Uncle James Presents: Two Pumpkins

My brother's baby, Oliver Darwin, with our huge emoticon Jack-o-lantern. Check back for hot photographs of our hallowe'en costumes.

Ukulele Song: "My Girlfriend is a Doula"

I just wrote this thirty-second song, "My Girlfriend is a Doula", for my doula friend & her boyfriend. Rather than develop the song properly, I opted for the slow fade with synthesizer rock-out. The subject matter is of course a development on the universal theme, difficulties of dating women engaged in the midwifery trade. Download it here, if you wish.

Fall Fashion 2009: This Autumn's hottest new Mamas & Babies

Some of our foxiest friends have been procreating, so as a special feature from the editors at itwaslost, here's a gallery of nature's most beautiful reproduction, & fresh from the designer's studio.

First on the runway, & the winner of the judge's special prize (due to avuncular prejudice) is Miss Lily with the handsome & well-behaved Oliver Darwin:

At five months, the young Mr Welsch already has a distinctive, how do you say it, chichi dernier cri.

This season's newest arrival, here comes Miss Jennie with one-day-old baby Kajsa, virtuously sleek in a full white ensemble:

And here's the same expecting mother a month earlier, taking her bump for a wander in the wilderness.

Speaking of sylvan parenting, when it comes mycology, why not start training young the difference twixt the poisonous & the scrumptious!? And who can't tell delectable when they come across it in the fallen leaves? Miss Zoma sure can with her stylish 2008 issue Amadeus Darius:

And finally, here's the classically lovely Miss Claire with newborn baby Alexander - they look so cute before they grow up to conquer most of the known world.

Thank you, ladies, for your hard labor to bring so much beauty onto the planet & to make Fall 2009 the most stylish season this city's seen since Jaqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy went shopping for pillbox hats. Until next autumn - -

- - the editors at itwaslost

More Photos of Young Oliver Darwin

Here's several more photos I've just seen of my newly minted nephew, Baby Ollie "Farka Touré" Darwin, uploaded on his mama's facebooks.

Uncle James Presents...

Oliver Darwin Welsch

Born on this day, the Third of April,
The Year of our Lord Two Thousand & Nine,

In Truckee, California,
(In the same hospital I was born in!) Congratulations to Papa Lee & Mama Lily!


It's a BOY!