Department of Bears UPDATE: "Near Lake Tahoe There's a Bear So Tough, Bullets Bounce Off His Head"

The famous bear in my hometown - Incline Village, Nevada - recently made the Wall Street Journal this week with the sensational headline printed above. (Bubba has broken into my parents' garage, & has previously been mentioned in our Department of Bears) From the article:

INCLINE VILLAGE, Nev.—In hot pursuit of a notorious burglar along the shores of Lake Tahoe this year, Carl Lackey organized a night patrol to catch the perp. His tools included a fire extinguisher, pepper spray and two dogs that respond only to commands in Russian.

"These dogs were bred to hunt," says Mr. Lackey, 45 years old.

A 700-pound black bear known as Bubba is accused of breaking into at least 50 homes around Lake Tahoe. WSJ's Marie Baca reports on the elusive ursine bandit.

Driven from the mountains by the 2009-2010 winter—the snowiest in five years—and feeding off the garbage left by tourists, Bubba is living large on Lake Tahoe's shores. The bear has broken into at least 50 homes in search of food the past year, causing more than $70,000 of damage, and leaving stinky, basketball-size deposits as his calling card.

So Mr. Lackey has ramped up his bear-catching techniques, deviating from his usual strategy of just laying traps by going on 3 a.m. patrols. This past winter, he placed a shoot-to-kill order, declaring Bubba dangerous and saying the bear "needs to go out of the population."

[continue reading]

Department of Bears: "COME IN BEARS"

Department of Bears: Tahoe Bear Wars 2009

Meanwhile in Northern Nevada, it's been a mighty year for bears - the #1 threat to America. This was in Wednesday's Reno Gazette-Journal:

A large bear with an attitude might have caused up to $70,000 in damage this year in Incline Village, officials say.

The black bear, likely a male weighing perhaps 700 pounds, has evaded traps and avoided special night patrols.

Two gunshots fired by a homeowner made the bear stay away for a couple of weeks.

"The deputies up there all say he's the biggest bear they've ever seen," said Carl Lackey, a biologist and bear expert for the Nevada Department of Wildlife who has been chasing this bear for three years. "He'll walk right by a trap, he won't go in them. He's really random in where he goes.

The black bear, likely a male weighing perhaps 700 pounds, has evaded traps and avoided special night patrols.

Two gunshots fired by a homeowner made the bear stay away for a couple of weeks.

"The deputies up there all say he's the biggest bear they've ever seen," said Carl Lackey, a biologist and bear expert for the Nevada Department of Wildlife who has been chasing this bear for three years. "He'll walk right by a trap, he won't go in them. He's really random in where he goes.

"He's made it real tough to catch up with him."

Incline resident Claire Vaughan heard a crash one night and saw a "huge" bear that had just knocked out a panel of her garage door. She watched as the bear tried to open the door latch of a locked car parked outside, displaying a working knowledge of that potential gateway to goodies.

"He's smart. He's super smart," Vaughan said. "He's a big, bad boy."

The bear was confronted this summer in an Incline Village home it had visited several times before, causing extensive damage, Lackey said. The bear was at the bottom of a staircase, the homeowner at the top with a .44 Magnum handgun.

"He shot it right between the eyes and the bullet bounced off his skull," Lackey said. "We know that because we found it.

"He shot it again and hit it. We know that because there was a lot of blood, but it wasn't a mortal wound."

Lackey said the bear returned after a couple of weeks, breaking into garages and going after trash or food in freezers. He said the bear has broken into 40 or 50 Incline garages this summer.

"It's all in the same area and it's the same M.O. all the time," Lackey said. [...]

That's Hollywood material. Updates if they ever catch the "big, bad boy". And there's a long list of bear break-ins in the North Lake Tahoe Bonanza. (A bear got into my parents' garage this year, as reported here.)

News from Nevada: Bear Break-in!

In almost thirty years in their house at Lake Tahoe, my parents have never had a bear break & enter. But the population has grown in recent years - apparently, some mothers are even having three cubs - due to their accumulated intelligence on how harvest from the neighboring human abundance. Both my parents sent out e-mails today, you can compare for style:

from "Sue W____" ______@yahoo.com reply-to _____@yahoo.com to [many addresses] date Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 9:01 AM subject Bear Break-In

A bear broke into our garage last night (see photo). I actually heard him. I went to bed late, around 11:10, because I had some classwork to do, and couldn't get to sleep because of noises. I finally got to sleep about 12:10, when the noises subsided. I probably should have awakened John, but thought maybe it was just a car outside.

He cleaned out our garage refrigerator of apples, muffins, cheese, and bread. He didn't like the beer or wine. He toppled one closed trash can, and we don't know what he got there. We are pretty careful about putting any food stuff in zip lock bags. Dog bones are all over the floor. Perhaps he ate some, but certainly didn't eat them all. They were in a box on top of the fridge. He also ignored a box of oranges.

Love, Sue

from "John W_____" ______@att.net to [many addresses] date Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 8:32 AM subject new doggy door

All, last night a bear enjoyed a midnight snack of cheese, Costco muffins, and apples in our garage. It didn't like our box wine or Bud beer. John

______________________

Colbert is right - they are the number one threat to America.

Department of Beards: Conspiracy of Beards, The Beard Club, Bears

Two acquaintances of mine - a coworker & an Russian accordion player - are in a choir that sings around the Bay Area, The Conspiracy of Beards. While the title I presume is a Leonard Cohen reference, they don't necessary have much to do with the Department of Beards, except that many of them have beards, dress smart, wear hats, & sing choral arrangements of Leonard Cohen songs. "They know how to be men," stressed the gallery owner where I saw them. They'll be singing in the New York City area in April, stop by & see them New Yorkers!


I saw them do their thing at the Million Fishes Gallery last wednesday, & I struck up a conversation with a woman who was there to meet my friend, who had promised to play the accordion on the soundtrack to her upcoming film: a documentary about beards and mustaches! I of course told her about The Department of Beards at itwaslost.org, & we will be promoting this film to our blogospherical utmost. Unfortunately, the trailer isn't embeddable, but go here to the Beard Club website & watch it. The trailer has some nice interviews with the Handlebar Club in London, & of course San Francisco's own Bears (as in, hairy gay men & the men who love hairy gay men. The flag from Bear Nation is at the top of this post.)

Special Preview: Sarah Palin Video Game

I hope I'm not one of thousands who have already put forward this idea, but here it is: A thinking tank for our Sarah Palin Video Game, presented here on this blog as a preview & advertisement for our LIVE-BLOGGING of the Vice-Presidential Debates (check back to this website, oftenish, Thursday evening, follow along with our Marxie/Wildean one-liners, from your own home entertainment center.)
Our industrious Mongolian Video Game Technicians are currently fixing some glitches in the software for this game, but here are some ideas for some of the levels.

MOOSE-HUNTING level. One of the most straight-forward of the system, but some of the targets popping out of the Alaskan Wilderness into the cross-hairs of our political rifle could be: various endangered species, polar bears, librarians, state troopers, & old-man's faces (in preparation for the daily tasks of the Vice President.)

AERIAL WOLF-HUNTING level. Some of the coolest graphics, shooting dogs from a plane. It's basically like fox-hunting for Alaskans, but less dainty or bound by any civilized standards of morality. The Sarah Palin avatar in this section would be leaning out of the plane with an American-flag bikini & an enormous "shootin' dogs from a plane" gun. Instead of being indiscriminately wounded & left to bleed to death in the snow (BORING!), the wolves explode in fourth-of-july fireworks.

BEAUTY PAGEANT level. You get to dress up your avatar, et cetera, basically not much to this level, but good for marketing.

Now, as we progress thru the levels, we get some of the more mundane aspects of a rising political career at the end of the road, U.S.A.

GOVERNING WASILLA level. Donning a pants-suit, Palin roams the streets of her Alaskan suburb, sort of like a community organizer / street fighter but with actual responsibilities. She collects "responsibility" items - like a baseball bat to smash in the heads of tweakers; encounters high-school friends to issue "promotions"; rides atop a Dinosaur, et cetera. We're still brain-storming this level, as right now it's about as entertaining as permafrost. Open to suggestions.

GET IMPREGNATED BY TODD PALIN level. Navigate the Governor's pelvis thru an abstract atmospheric landscape, attempting to collect "spirit" from Todd Palin's fecund family jewels. But watch out! Liberals with coat-hangers & other spirit-quenchers are around every unfolding cloud. Extra bonus points for successfully birthing an infant with Down syndrome. You get to name the offspring - (Suggestions from The Onion for additional Palin children names: Frag, Moss, Scoot, Skiffer, Minnow, Plow, Snatch, Twiglet, and Drum.) It's a tricky level, because sometimes the children themselves get impregnated, which is fine, as long as you can spin it as all-American.

CAMPAIGNING FOR McCAIN-PALIN level. Another "roaming-the-streets"-style level, she has to show off her foreign-policy experience (basically by threatening world leaders with her guns & spotting Russia from her house), avoiding reporters & scorning the media. At the end of the level, she battles larger-than-life Joe Biden at the VP DEBATES.

As we don't know how long or to what extent Gov. Palin will be on the national stage, it's hard to know what levels await. If she is ever Vice President, there could be some amazing Dan Quayle-style parts, roaming the world as a token VP.

VP DEBATE Live-Blog,
Thursday, 6pm Western Time, 4am Bulgarian Time.
Be here!

Alternate Lyrics;

Or, Alternate Lyrics to the National Epic

What is music without duration or velocity?
Whatever it is, I'm not going to squander it,
I'm going to go see my Lord.
He has bamboozled the college into electing a corrupt mediocrity,
And only one radio host refuses to ponder it,
But I'm going to go see my Lord.
I've been given oversight of the gates of the house, with ancient wine in a brown paper bag as my inner-sentinel.

This is good news, the toxic stream in the lowlands
Has been rerouted thru the oligarch's estate,
And I'm going to go see my Lord.
I remember my mother on the playground humming showtunes,
Oh, but she was really ruminating about that first televised debate,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
Where has the bandstand fallen, where have the blue veins of our county been pecked open by the eagle!

I had previously attempted to be promoted in the Entertainment Industry,
But Orson Welles was impressed by talents more gastronomic than mine,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
These policies on the horizon of mercy - what does that mean again? - are key
To unlocking our anxieties about locust plagues & famine & 21st Century moonshine,
And I'm going to go see my Lord.
Welles had drunk a pint of the stuff a day around the last turn of the millennium, & my song barely sharpens the pencil.

Do you recall the year when I experimented pretty seriously with delphinic fetishes?
I've long given that up, my liver just couldn't stomach the bickering,
I'm going to go see my Lord.
Love has paved our highways with seasonal salads & typical Thai dishes,
More war-car-bar-jars have left the furthest stars flickering,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
The border of Alaska creeped North to Jerusalem thru the Evil Empire, & compassed the corner of the sea southward.

A flurry of civic conflict ignites the nights!
I shan't be discouraged! He knows he can find me singing at the corner pub,
I'm going to go see my Lord.
Fireworks & confetti bring grandmothers to the streets
Every Sunday to celebrate the Revolution - there's the rub,
I'm going to go see my Lord.
The despot was campaigning in Vegas, & the paparazzi found him curled up twixt grimy poker sheets with a mini-hermaphroditic mouth-whore.

Iowa is desolate, only corn can grow there;
Fennel & Caesar's Amanita are running rampant up Henry Miller's coast,
But I'm going to go see my Lord.
My younger sister has always had a crush on the Rev. Marxie Joe Caulahausawatapare,
Yes, ole Marxie doesn't know what he's missing, he will die a loveless piece of burnt toast,
But I'm going to go see my Lord.
What will you do in that solemn day, America, when we are rejoicing our slow food feast, & you are still starving for more?

A green electrical storm at the end of fog,
Hailing bastards, & birds flying a teleologic circle,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
Out of this myth steps a leader named Kellogg,
Even I have eaten a few silly diets in the days of turquoise & opal,
Now I'm going to go see my Lord.
The politics of waste management, amongst other side ventures of the municipality, are clogging the sewers! Please abandon non-vital projects!

I composed a lullaby for the godfather in my books,
There was no audience at the opera house to listen to no Forró Orchester,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
They say that the poet watches movies while the chef cooks,
But All-In-One's bard lifted half his wit from "The Walrus & the Carpenter",
And I'm going to go see my Lord.
An angry tenor bears a letter full of mischief & cross-dressing, it would make good theater if any playwrights remained who could rhyme dialects.

That virgin sister of mine remembers when I tried to fall to my knees & prostrate,
She kicked me when I was down, & I kissed her face &, thanking her,
I'm going to go see my Lord.
Most readers think it's the devil who's around every corner, but wait!
The line forms on the right, & if she's the devil then who's spanking her?
I'm going to go see my Lord.
Down into the coal mine your second grade teacher descends with her martini in one hand & the Brady Bill in her other, where are the students she protects?

I have sired a son in Fifty-Seven of California's Counties, all except Stockton,
They wouldn't let me in, they saw I had no talents,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
This sacred soil remains breathless & the migrant workers have not been clocked in,
Let us eat lettuces & pontificate, every cinema is ultimately in balance,
And I'm going to go see my Lord.
Wind the golden string onto its ball, Ye Episcopalians of the World, your synthetic harp has struck my favorite chord.

The volcanoes have been silenced, & Friedrich Weyerhäuser
Has clear-cut the forests around my heart,
So I'm going to go see my Lord.
Beware the spherical library: its every word is poison lard!
I've sent a press release to the U.N., with enlightenment & nirvana on a pie chart,
Now I'm going to go see my Lord.
No, honey, you can't keep the socks you find by the side of the onramp, middle management's team building workshop was just far too horrid.

Awake! Throw off the pillows of dementia!
I hit my ten thousandth homerun, in Lightyear Shrew's park,
I'm going to go see my Lord.
Plato's bats resound the Batsongs of the Spheres, the Music of Minutia!
Unbuckle your whipping belts! Extinguish your Florescent Blacklight Spark!
I'm going to go see my Lord.
And I will repose upon the couches of Jesus Christ our Lord Savior, a grail of dandelion wine in the right hand of God Almighty My Lord,
And the peaceniks will reign, where gold once did.