Sacred Mother-in-Law

Here's a new short narrative poem, part of my Sacred Songs series. I put it in a scribd pdf because blogger won't let me do indents & hanging indents. The illustrations are by Olaf Mary.
Sacred Mother-in-Law - S. Sandrigon

Department of Bears UPDATE: "Near Lake Tahoe There's a Bear So Tough, Bullets Bounce Off His Head"

The famous bear in my hometown - Incline Village, Nevada - recently made the Wall Street Journal this week with the sensational headline printed above. (Bubba has broken into my parents' garage, & has previously been mentioned in our Department of Bears) From the article:

INCLINE VILLAGE, Nev.—In hot pursuit of a notorious burglar along the shores of Lake Tahoe this year, Carl Lackey organized a night patrol to catch the perp. His tools included a fire extinguisher, pepper spray and two dogs that respond only to commands in Russian.

"These dogs were bred to hunt," says Mr. Lackey, 45 years old.

A 700-pound black bear known as Bubba is accused of breaking into at least 50 homes around Lake Tahoe. WSJ's Marie Baca reports on the elusive ursine bandit.

Driven from the mountains by the 2009-2010 winter—the snowiest in five years—and feeding off the garbage left by tourists, Bubba is living large on Lake Tahoe's shores. The bear has broken into at least 50 homes in search of food the past year, causing more than $70,000 of damage, and leaving stinky, basketball-size deposits as his calling card.

So Mr. Lackey has ramped up his bear-catching techniques, deviating from his usual strategy of just laying traps by going on 3 a.m. patrols. This past winter, he placed a shoot-to-kill order, declaring Bubba dangerous and saying the bear "needs to go out of the population."

[continue reading]

The Tale of Big Toothie

The Tale of Big Toothie
Comprised of Five Word Poems by Minnie Molly Mary
Photo-journalism by David Magnolia Ficke
Sangria provided by S. Sandrigon
And a Special Appearance by Darren Southworth Peoples as the outlaw Rocky "Antibiotic-Resistant" Goner-realism
Five Nights Only!
Free Hair Tonic & Cold Sore Eradication thrown in for parties of five or more.

The Tale of Big Toothie
Part I.

big toothie was a thug

he resembled a good-looking dolphin

both parents were feral mathematicians

big toothie always wore white

especially with tooth-fairy on sunday's

they would jump chain-link fences

tooth-fairy laughed at big toothie

big toothie shook his fist

"i'll get you my pretty!....

if the jellyfish don't first"

Part II.

big toothie threatened death often

fortunately the jellyfish never obliged

child services watched them constantly

Part III.

big toothie rocked the party

oftentimes his bow-tie strangled him

instead of crying he choked

this he did not like

big toothie has low tolerance

"off with this accoutrement immediately,

bow-tie's disturb the chest halo...

and this little shirt, too!"

teeth have nipples, everyone wondered?

"what do they taste like?"

tooth-fairy raised her hand first

"they taste like vegan haggis!"

Part IV.

big toothie wanted to murder her

he was a reasonable tooth

conversely, pixies were riotous cheerleaders

tooth-fairy's parents sported grog blossoms

mother wore christmas ass-less chaps

father was a rhinestone cowboy

Part V.

big toothie got a cavity

"curses to all the truffles....

beastie evil fairy perversed me

tooth fairy's had rich taste

"screw dental hygiene" says she

"WELL, it's MY calcium appendage!"

fairy's liked corrupting god's gifts

afflicted, big toothie played dead

unfortunately, sleeping gives cavities strength

being an alcoholic doesn't help

"an inevitable dr. death visit!"

Part VI.

doctor's office smelled of warthogs

dr. death wore air jordan's

his parents were tight rope hula-hoopers

his handlebar moustache was frosted

sadly the prognosis was negative

"this chunk here must go!"

(speaking of the right nipple)

"refusal would mean impending gangrene"

to be continued!!??

Special Report: How to pronounce "Nevada"

The New York Times blog Opinionator just mocked East Coasterners for mispronouncing my home state:

[...] national broadcasters on election night who cannot pronounce Oregon (it’s like gun) or Nevada (it’s not Nev-odda) [...]

Even some of my Californian friends can't get this right. The Nevada Commission on Tourism has a logo (which was on BART ads & elsewhere) with a subtle hint to use the short-A: "nevăda". I was proud to see someone in the Wikipedia had called out non-Westerners for their "imagined pronunciation of the Spanish" (Boom!), & of George W. Bush's learned lesson - - from the Wikiepedia's Etymology and pronunciation for Nevada:

The name Nevada comes from the Spanish "Nevada" [neˈβaða], meaning "snowfall", after the Sierra Nevada ("snow-covered mountains") mountain range.

Most non-Westerners pronounce the name /nəˈvɑːdə/, with the /ɑː/ of "father" after the imagined pronunciation of the Spanish, which annoys locals. The most famous case of this was George W Bush's faux pas during his campaign for the 2004 US Presidential Election. Vindication later came when President Bush campaigned at the Reno-Sparks Convention Center on June 18, 2004. The president opened his talk by proclaiming that "It's great to be here in /nəˈˈvædə/," the crowd roaring its approval when he light-heartedly noted "You didn't think I'd get it right, did ya?"

Department of Bears: Tahoe Bear Wars 2009

Meanwhile in Northern Nevada, it's been a mighty year for bears - the #1 threat to America. This was in Wednesday's Reno Gazette-Journal:

A large bear with an attitude might have caused up to $70,000 in damage this year in Incline Village, officials say.

The black bear, likely a male weighing perhaps 700 pounds, has evaded traps and avoided special night patrols.

Two gunshots fired by a homeowner made the bear stay away for a couple of weeks.

"The deputies up there all say he's the biggest bear they've ever seen," said Carl Lackey, a biologist and bear expert for the Nevada Department of Wildlife who has been chasing this bear for three years. "He'll walk right by a trap, he won't go in them. He's really random in where he goes.

The black bear, likely a male weighing perhaps 700 pounds, has evaded traps and avoided special night patrols.

Two gunshots fired by a homeowner made the bear stay away for a couple of weeks.

"The deputies up there all say he's the biggest bear they've ever seen," said Carl Lackey, a biologist and bear expert for the Nevada Department of Wildlife who has been chasing this bear for three years. "He'll walk right by a trap, he won't go in them. He's really random in where he goes.

"He's made it real tough to catch up with him."

Incline resident Claire Vaughan heard a crash one night and saw a "huge" bear that had just knocked out a panel of her garage door. She watched as the bear tried to open the door latch of a locked car parked outside, displaying a working knowledge of that potential gateway to goodies.

"He's smart. He's super smart," Vaughan said. "He's a big, bad boy."

The bear was confronted this summer in an Incline Village home it had visited several times before, causing extensive damage, Lackey said. The bear was at the bottom of a staircase, the homeowner at the top with a .44 Magnum handgun.

"He shot it right between the eyes and the bullet bounced off his skull," Lackey said. "We know that because we found it.

"He shot it again and hit it. We know that because there was a lot of blood, but it wasn't a mortal wound."

Lackey said the bear returned after a couple of weeks, breaking into garages and going after trash or food in freezers. He said the bear has broken into 40 or 50 Incline garages this summer.

"It's all in the same area and it's the same M.O. all the time," Lackey said. [...]

That's Hollywood material. Updates if they ever catch the "big, bad boy". And there's a long list of bear break-ins in the North Lake Tahoe Bonanza. (A bear got into my parents' garage this year, as reported here.)

News from Nevada: Bear Break-in!

In almost thirty years in their house at Lake Tahoe, my parents have never had a bear break & enter. But the population has grown in recent years - apparently, some mothers are even having three cubs - due to their accumulated intelligence on how harvest from the neighboring human abundance. Both my parents sent out e-mails today, you can compare for style:

from "Sue W____" ______@yahoo.com reply-to _____@yahoo.com to [many addresses] date Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 9:01 AM subject Bear Break-In

A bear broke into our garage last night (see photo). I actually heard him. I went to bed late, around 11:10, because I had some classwork to do, and couldn't get to sleep because of noises. I finally got to sleep about 12:10, when the noises subsided. I probably should have awakened John, but thought maybe it was just a car outside.

He cleaned out our garage refrigerator of apples, muffins, cheese, and bread. He didn't like the beer or wine. He toppled one closed trash can, and we don't know what he got there. We are pretty careful about putting any food stuff in zip lock bags. Dog bones are all over the floor. Perhaps he ate some, but certainly didn't eat them all. They were in a box on top of the fridge. He also ignored a box of oranges.

Love, Sue

from "John W_____" ______@att.net to [many addresses] date Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 8:32 AM subject new doggy door

All, last night a bear enjoyed a midnight snack of cheese, Costco muffins, and apples in our garage. It didn't like our box wine or Bud beer. John

______________________

Colbert is right - they are the number one threat to America.