MLS: The Best and Worst Club Names in Major League Soccer

I ♥ Wondolowski

As a Profession Baby Names Consultant, I wanted to weigh in on sports teams' names, specifically, American Soccer. I've been subscribing to MLS Live all year, and indulging in and binging on matches from all over the country. I've noticed that if I'm describing some of these games to non-soccer-following friends, they're often amused or astonished by some of the NAMES of our teams. So, partially for the benefit of my friends unfamiliar with these teams, here are my opinions of the very best and worst club names for upper division soccer clubs in the U.S.

Many of the MLS teams have generic soccer club names, like FC Dallas or D.C. United. I respect these names (even if "Football Club" should really be "Soccer Club," right?) Clubs with names like "Colorado Rapids" or "LA Galaxy" sounds more traditional Americanny, and again, I like them. These are the ones that stand out to me for their awesomeness or their horribleness:

5 Best MLS Club Names:

5. Philadelphia Union - My friend Mr Aha's choice. "Such an abstract concept to cheer for at a sports match," he texts me. It's similar to United, which has old world footballing cred, but with a bit of patriotic flavor.

4. Chicago Fire - Naming your sports team after a famous disaster that your city suffered is highly encouraged. And the old school firefighter-inspired badge as their logo is very classy.

3. San Jose Earthquakes - See above, except tenfold... Because earthquakes continue to be a massive fear in the bay area. (Remember that the 1989 one happened during a World Series game between the two bay area baseball teams.) 

2. Sporting Kansas City - I don't know why the Kansas City Wizards rebranded with this name, but I love it. The retro / anglophilic "Sporting" seems almost ironic, but this excellent team owns it perfectly.

1. Real Salt Lake - Beautiful juxtaposition of European naming style (Real Madrid) with distinctive American place name. My favorite MLS name.

5 Worst MLS Club Names:

5. Houston Dynamo - What even is a Dynamo? Power? Houston strong! Houston powerful!

4. Montreal Impact - or, Impact de Montréal. I don't know if "impact" seems less dorky in French, but it has no poetry in English. We are a soccer club and we will slam into you, creating an indentation!

3. Chivas USA - Guadalajara-owned expansion team took Guadalajara's nickname, which means 'goats.' However the generic location - USA - makes it hard for Southern Californians to root for them. Goats USA? I propose they move to Las Vegas and change their name to Chivas Las Vegas. Then people will assume they're sponsored by top-shelf Scotch whiskey.

2. Columbus Crew - Their logo has always reminded of A Clockwork Orange or The Warriors, and the whole thing has an awkward feel of mid-westerners trying to act street (rather than the working-class thing I'm assuming they were going for... Their club logo just needs an Indian and a cowboy.)

1. New York Red Bulls - The unambiguous winner. What could be more horribly American than a product placement in the club name? Even if you had never heard of the energy drink, the idea of a bull that was red as a team name is lame. But it's association with taurine makes it creepy beyond redemption. Change your name, New York! If MLS gets a second NYC franchise, and it takes the awesome old fashion NY soccer club name Cosmos, how depressing will your name be in comparison?

These are just one man's opinion. I apologize if I've mocked the name of the club you support. Comments / discussion welcome. And opinions about names of other footballing teams from elsewhere also encouraged.

List of Real Names

I was inspired by Gail Collins in the New York Times real-namedropping in her recent editorial:

...Perhaps if we talk about it long enough I will get a chance to point out once again that Representative Connie Mack of Florida, who surprised everyone by announcing Friday that he would not run for Senator Bill Nelson’s seat in 2012, is actually named Cornelius Harvey McGillicuddy IV.

And then, today, we watched Eddie Izzard's classic "Engelbert Humperdinck" sketch in Dress to Kill, where he dwells at length on Gerry Dorsey's name change. So, I will now compile a growing list of REAL NAMES of actors, celebrities, politicians, and anyone else who has an interesting real name. (Please leave suggestions in the comments.) I'm generally leaving out people with stage names, pen names or rap names whose real names aren't especially interesting or hilarious (like Samuel Clemens or Robert Zimmerman), and leaning more towards people whose birth names could be career killers, or are just vaguely entertaining to learn.

Tom Cruise - Thomas Mapother IV
Ben Kingsley - Krishna Bhanji
Muhammad Ali - Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr.
Woody Allen - Allan Konigsberg
Snoop Dogg - Cordozer Calvin Broadus
Jon Stewart - Jonathan Stuart Liebowitz
Kirk Douglas - Issur Danielovitch
Lauren Bacall - Betty Joan Perske
Billy Holiday - Eleanora Fagan
Jodie Foster - Alicia Christian Foster
Gene Simmons - Chaim Witz
Judy Garland - Frances Ethel Gumm
John Wayne - Marion Morrison
Mel Brooks - Melvyn Kaminsky
Albert Brooks (actor) - Albert Einstein
Martin Sheen - Ramon Estevez
Kiefer Sutherland - William Frederick Dempsey George Sutherland
Sting - Gordon Sumner
Charlie Sheen - Carlos Estevez
Pat Benatar - Patricia Andrzejewski
Larry King - Lawrence Zieger
George Orwell - Eric Blair
Cary Grant - Archibald Leach
Winona Ryder - Winona Horowitz
Alan Alda - Alphonso D'Abruzzo
Engelbert Humperdinck - Arnold George “Gerry” Dorsey
Gov. Bobby Jindal - Piyush Amrit Jindal
Elvis Costello - Declan Patrick MacManus
Demi Moore - Demetria Guynes
Bob Hope - Leslie Townes Hope
Bono - Paul David Hewson
Lady Gaga - Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
Michael Caine - Maurice Micklewhit­e
Miley Cyrus - Destiny Hope Cyrus
Anne Bancroft - Anne Italiano
Whoopi Goldberg - Caryn Johnson
Vanilla Ice - Robert Van Winkle
George Sand - Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin
Baron Corvo - Frederick William Serafino Austin Lewis Mary Rolfe
Mitt Romney - Willard Mitt (Milton?) Romney
Buster Posey (Giants catcher) - Gerald Dempsey Posey III
Pelé (Soccer player) - Edison Arantes do Nascimento
Fatboy Slim - Norman Cook
Al Pacino - Alfredo Pacino
Marquis de Sade - Donatien Alphonse Francois Sade
Jack Palance - Volodymir Ivanovich Palahnuik
"Baby Face" Nelson (Gangster) - Lester M. Gillis
Chuck D - Carlton Ridenhour
Nero (Emperor) - Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus / Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus
Pablo Neruda - Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto
Erykah Badu - Erica Wright
Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo & Gummo Marx - Julius Henry Marx, Leonard Marx, Arthur Adolph Marx, Herbert Manfred Marx & Milton Marx.
Reince Priebus - Reinhold R. Priebus

Middle Naming

In my role as professional names consultant, I've done a lot of thinking about the middle name. Some people have many, some people have none. Some are family names, maiden names, or tributes to someone or something. Others are completely irrelevant, unused, or unloved. Many people just use the initials or even make up their own initials (Harrison Ford first went as a Harrison J. Ford to distinguish himself from an earlier film actor, even though he has no middle name.) The point is, the middle name has a strange and mostly useless history. We have no choice over the matter, we're stuck with them, and we mostly don't use them.

I have a proposal for a kind of new 21st century secular tradition - a Middle Naming. The idea is that parents refrain from giving their child a pointless middle name. Now here's the interesting part: the child gets to choose their own middle name as a coming-of-age right-of-passage- - -, sort of like a Catholic confirmation, but it would actually be legally changed to be their real middle name.

As a white American growing up in a middle-class non-religious household, I had no coming-of-age party. No bar mitzvah, no quinceniera, no coming out ball, et cetera. I like the idea of a party when you're going thru adolescence, and what more powerful way to inscribe upon your evolving identity than a new name? Last names come from your ancestors, first names are chosen by your parents, but middle names could be chosen by the person themselves. I think 14-ish is a good age for this too, I feel 16 or 20 would be too late & rife with teenagery / collegey folly. When a person reaches middle school, they will have had years to think about it and change their mind twenty times, but they still have the wisdom of youth and it's slightly before the insanity of young adulthood.

And, like all good coming-of-age parties, it would include awkward Middle School dancing & a complete booze-up for the parents.

Friend-of-the-blog Mrs Eley-Nelson has already responded with some thought:

They still have the wisdom of childhood perhaps, but they are also on the brink of changing entirely who they are. I chose to be confirmed at 14, for example. I would also probably have picked the middle name "Jackie" after my favourite horse riding heroine. I think opportunities for self-determination are already purportedly infinite for the children of white American atheists, for better and for worse. That fact I was assigned a name by people who came before me helps to remind me that those people are there, and that not everything in life is up to me. I find it comforting.

I don't even know who "Anne" is. She is the stranger in my midst whose presence reminds me of a whole prehistory and ancestry I know little about. This is true even though I don't think I was named Anne after anyone.

Personally, my first and middle names are my two grandfathers, neither of whom I knew, so that's good for me - I'm not saying I wish I had had a Middle Naming, and as a child of the 80's I had plenty of "opportunities for self-determination." However, I propose Middle Naming as an idea with some legs if any expectant parents want to consider it.

Names in the News

From the Daily Telegraph (24 July 2008):

The parents of a New Zealand girl named Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii have been ordered to change her name because it risks making her the target of abuse and ridicule.

A lawyer acting for the girl claimed she was so embarrassed by her name that she had kept it from her friends, insisting she should be known as "K" instead. She also feared that if it became public she would be mocked and teased.

The lawyer claimed the girl fully understood the absurdity of her name, unlike her parents who had not considered the implications when they named her.

Justice Robert Murfitt said the name clearly presented a social hurdle for the child.

"It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap," he said.

He also voiced concern over other names given to New Zealand children, such as Violence, Midnight Chardonnay and Number 16 Bus Shelter.

A set of twins was named Benson and Hedges, after the cigarette brand and some children had been named after six-cylinder Ford cars. There has ever been a case of a child being named after the entire All Blacks side.

"Recently, for the first time in my experience as a Family Court judge, the name of a child described in text language has emerged," Mr Murfitt said.

In that case, a girl was named O.crnia, but in negotiations with the mother over a parenting order, the name was adjusted to Oceania.

New Zealand officials said they did have the power to block outlandish names.

Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages, told the New Zealand Herald that the law did not allow names that would cause offence to a reasonable person, that are more than 100 characters or that include titles, military ranks, punctuation or numerals.

Names rejected by the office include Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. [...]

And this is the transcript of an Arkansan trial from 2004, Shepard v. Speir, where the unmarried parents were in litigation over the name. I'll cast James Mason as "The Court" & Rockets Redglare as Mr Sheppard.

The Court: I simply do not understand why you named this child — his legal name is Weather'by Dot Com Chanel Fourcast Sheppard. Now, before you answer that, Mr. — the plaintiff in this action is a weatherman for a local television station.

Sheppard: Yes.

The Court: Okay. Is that why you named this child the name that you gave the child?

Sheppard: It — it stems from a lot of things.

The Court: Okay. Tell me what they are.

Sheppard: Weather'by — I've always heard of Weatherby as a last name and never a first name, so I thought Weatherby would be — and I'm sure you could spell it b-e-e or b-e-a or b-y. Anyway, Weatherby.

The Court: Where did you get the "Dot Com"?

Sheppard: Well, when I worked at NBC, I worked on a Teleprompter computer.

The Court: All right.

Sheppard: All right, and so that's where the Dot Com [came from]. I just thought it was kind of cute, Dot Com, and then instead of — I really didn't have a whole lot of names because I had nothing to work with. I don't know family names. I don't know any names of the Speir family, and I really had nothing to work with, and I thought "Chanel"? No, that's stupid, and I thought "Shanel," I've heard of a black little girl named Shanel.

The Court: Well, where did you get "Fourcast"?

Sheppard: Fourcast? Instead of F-o-r-e, like your future forecast or your weather forecast, F-o-u, as in my fourth son, my fourth child, Fourcast. It was --

The Court: So his name is Fourcast, F-o-u-r-c-a-s-t?

Sheppard: Yes....

The Court: All right. Now, do you have some objection to him being renamed Samuel Charles?

Sheppard: Yes.

The Court: Why? You think it's better for his name to be Weather'by Dot Com Chanel ... Fourcast, spelled F-o-u-r-c-a-s-t? And in response to that question, I want you to think about what he's going to be — what his life is going to be like when he enters the first grade and has to fill out all [the] paperwork where you fill out — this little kid fills out his last name and his first name and his middle name, okay? So I just want — if your answer to that is yes, you think his name is better today than it would be with Samuel Charles, as his father would like to name him and why. Go ahead.

Sheppard: Yes, I think it's better this way.

The Court: The way he is now?

Sheppard: Yes. He doesn't have to use "Dot Com." I mean, as a grown man, he can use whatever he wants.

The Court: As a grown man, what is his middle name? Dot Com Chanel Fourcast?

Sheppard: He can use Chanel, he can use the letter "C." [...]

Doggerel about Naming Babies

I've been in further correspondence with Mr & Mrs Croak about the name of their imminent third-born, but it has not yet been declassified (in three weeks!) Meanwhile, here's a sub-par doggerel about naming babies:

My last name is Smith & I'm having my six billionth baby.
I used to name my kids John or Mary, but I'm getting more creative maybe.
Twenty percent of American Men are named Jim, John, Bob, Mike, Bill, or Dave.
But if I name my son Adolph, how will he behave?
If I name my daughter Thistle, will she hate me to the grave?
If I name my son Bob, will he put up another white picket fence?
Or if I name him Ronald, will he eat burgers until he is immense?
Or if I name him Donald, after the former Secretary of Defense,
Would he rebel against his name,
And achieve neither infamy nor blame,
But eat vegetables in a hermitage & write verses of nonsense?

The great-great-grandson of General William Tecumseh Sherman
Is a famous linguist named Tecumseh Stitch,
But all my ancestors were masons named Allan or Herman,
None were named Ulysses or Ormsby or Rufus or Godfrey or Mitch.

We used to name our girls after flowers, but now women drive S.U.V.s,
If her name doesn't fit a CEO, she might get indicted.
And some of the prettiest most useful flowers are on lemon trees or fig trees,
And if I named her Rubber, she might get blighted.

If I was a yuppie, naming her after a wine would be fine,
Like Syrah or Chardonnay or Pinot or Nebbiolo or Klingelberger,
Or if she is bubbly I could name her Gewürztraminer,
But I'm not a yuppie, so I won't cross that line.

The British name their daughters Penelope & Fiona,
The Americans name their daughters Madison & Emma,
Whatever happened to Elizabeth or Bess?
But I want my daughter to be unique, to go it alone-a.
You think picking the perfect name wouldn't be this big of a dilemma,
But it is a death of a mess.

Muslims tend to think their names are godsends,
But it gets pretty confusing up at paradise's door.
A lot of Westerners name their kids after Jesus's friends,
But I myself have never been a fan of war.

If I name him Louis will he act like a king?
If I name him Buddha will he ever eat any thing?
If I name him Frodo will he have to bear a really heavy ring?
If I name him after William Chester Miner, will he cut off his dingaling?

O what o what to name the world's six billionth baby?
Maybe I'll name him Dugong or maybe I'll name her Behemotha maybe?

E-mail: Male Baby Names Part I

I'm not allowed to publish my "opinions" about the four girls' names Mr & Mrs Croak are contemplating, but my list of fabulous boy names is safe for the gossipy public. Their first two children were named Imogene Croak & Arlen Croak.

Date:	Mon, 9 Apr 2007 13:25:05 -0700 (PDT)
From:	"James Welsch" <_@itwaslost.org>
Subject:	Male Names Part I
To:	"Mike & Esther Croak" <________@hotmail.com>
CC:	"Jenny Ruth Crawford" <__________@yahoo.com>

A few ideas (I'm sitting at work doing nothing, but using my brain, my strongest muscle since that tongue injury) for boys. You'll notice I have a penchant for the strong, old-fashion name.

Henry - My father's & my middle name, also my grandfather's & great-grandfather's name. A classy name which has fallen out of favor, a king's name, most oftenly associated with Henry VIII, who was, among other things, a sharp intellectual & religious innovator.

Serafino - I just noticed it as one of the many middle names of the gay 19th Century writer, Frederick William Serafino Austin Lewis Mary Rolfe the Lord Corvo. Fiery angel. I've always liked "Sera" as a boy's name too, & it's never too late to give your son seven names plus a title.

Resolved - My ancestor who was the only pregnancy on the Mayflower, Resolved White. I guess that's pretty eccentric, but "Rezi" is cool.

Melville - author of the best book. "Mel" has now skipped a generation, & can probably be safely brought back without its Borscht-Belt associations (i.e. Mel Brooks, another of my heroes.)

Ignatius - the 2nd Century Christian whose awesome epistles got cut from the bible--; also, St. Ignatius of Loyola founded the Jesuits. Definitely a classy name, perhaps more associated these days with the hero of "A Confederacy of Dunces". Maybe Iggy?

Augustus - Octavio Caesar gave himself this name, meaning "totally cool", when he inherited the empire. Then he messed up the calendar, stole some days from February, & created the month August. In 1869, Adolphus Busch, an innovative beer brewer with great ambition, married Eberhard Anheuser's daughter. His great-great-grandson August Anheuser Busch IV is now the Chairman of the Board.

Sirius - Canine/stars - Sirius Black from Harry Potter.

Dugong - One of Jenny's & my favorite sea mammals, one of the oceans only herbivores. Dugong Croak!

Busby - like Busby Berkeley, who was (according to Wikipedia) "famous for his elaborate musical production numbers that often involved complex geometric patterns".

Roy - another old cowboy name like Arlen. My uncle who teachers statistics at M.I.T. is named Roy Elmer Welsch.

Spenser - It's funny this name has a weak connotation. Edmund Spenser wrote the longest poem in the English language, hardly girly work.

Jonah - As far as biblical names go, how can you beat the prophet who rode inside a whale?

James - the most common male baby name from the 40s thru 60s, it has now fallen tragically to 17! We need all the help we can get, especially to beat out upstarts like Tyler (16) or Ethan (5!).

Luckily, just about any name sounds great with Croak. Maybe not Sirius, but certainly all of the strong Latin-y names like Ignatius or Adolphus sound great.

I'll e-mail you when I think of more. Don't forget the baby names graph: http://babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html

Peace,
James

E-mails: Male names beginning with 'S'

Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2006 16:59:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: "James Welsch" <_________@yahoo.com >
Subject: Baby boy
To: "Annette Kelly" <__________@sbcglobal.net>, "Steve Kelly" <____________@sbcglobal.net>
CC: "Suzanne Carol Welsch" <________@yahoo.com>, "John Henry Welsch" <_________@worldnet.att.net>, "Lee Welsch" <_________@earjuice.com>

Annette & Steve,

Congratulations on your healthy baby!

My friend here spells it "Shaun" which is my favorite spelling, although I don't know where it's from. Michael is the angel in Paradise Lost.

Some other of my favorite male names: Arlen (cowboy name / Republican senator), Melville (marginalized great American author), Roy (John's brother/cowboy), Blake (poet/prophet/cowboy).

There's a great names graph here.

If you click on "boys" & type in a "S" it will show you a crazy graph of the rise & fall of all of the S-names throughout the twentieth century. Sirius Black is the great character from Harry Potter. There's "Swift", as in Jonathan, or "Samuel" as in Coleridge or the King, "Spenser" wrote the longest poem in the English language, "Stravinski" wrote a ballet that caused a riot, "Serge" Prokofiev wrote an opera about a man who falls in love with four oranges, "Salvador" wrote books explaining his own symbolism.

& there's always first Chronicles in the Bible.

Just don't name him Madison. Or Nevaeh. Or Clement.

Love & Peace,
James

__________________________________________________________________________________________


Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2006 20:00:22 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Sue Welsch" <______@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Baby boy
To: "James Welsch" <__________@yahoo.com>, "Lee Welsch" <__________@earjuice.com>

James, the name has been chosen and it is William Michael. They will call him Will or Wills (Like Prince William). I have been at the hospital all day and am now home taking care of Anastasia and Scott, while Stephen spends the night with Annette and Will at the hospital. He is really cute. More later, because I have to put the kids to bath and bed.

Love, MOM

Vodka Review: Ketel One

This fine vodka has been made in Schiedam, Holland, by the same patriarchal family since 1691 - & they have no intention of letting their drinkers forget this. The list of names on the bottle outstrips Jim Beam in its antiquity & knee-splitting hilarity: Joannes Nolet, Jacobus Nolet, Joannes Nolet, Joannes Nolet, Jacobus Nolet, Joannes Nolet, Jacobus Nolet, Joannes Nolet, Paulus Nolet (a controversial decision), & Carolus Nolet, who has run the family vodka business since 1941, although he is severely inbred & suffers from the down syndrome. James & I often wondered why Jim Beam is named Jim Beam, when James B. Beam does not appear in the chronicles until third or fourth. Did Jacob Beam name the company after his grandson? as William Van Duzer Lawrence named Sarah Lawrence College after his daughter, & Leland Stanford named his university after his son, who also happened to be named after him. Who would name a whiskey after their grandson ? or visa versa? James, of course, is the English New Testament version of Jacob. I believe that when the Vulgate Bible was written in Latin, the New Testament was translated from the Greek & the Old from the Hebrew, so the earliest English versions of the names were already long different by the time of the earliest English translations of Tyndale & Wyckliffe (Jesus is the NT version of Joshua.) Jacobus, I presume, is the Dutch Jacob. Does it make a difference in the quality of spirit, if control is carefully kept within a family with a Biblical genealogy, with as it appears Old Testament & New Testament eras. The makers of Ketel One proudly assure us that every batch is still tasted my a member of that illustrious dynasty - as if sensory memory stays in the family in the same way sins do. I recently had the pleasure of seeing the corporate tasting room for Budweiser in St. Louis, Missouri, where my older brother occasionally sits on the panel. There, also, the direct descendants of Eberhard Anheuser & Adolphus Busch, mostly named Augustus (when in Rome...), still perform the crucial quality assurances. (Eberhard gave Adolphus his brewery & daughter, & spent the rest of his life sober & alone on a small island in the Pacific.)

My drinking companions for this tasting of Dutch Vodka were Mr Darren Southworth (a material physicist currently studying at Cornell) & Miss P_____ K__________ (a Russian violinist at the Cleveland Institute). ‘P(olina)’, of course, like Paulus, is another derivative of St. Paul, the inventor as it were of the religion Christianity - Paul being the Greek & Roman version the Jewish Saul, when the literate apostle was converting the gentiles. Mr Southworth & Miss K__________ both ranked the vodka as being very fine, & many excellent jokes & anecdotes were exchanged, as much as one can wish from a $21 bottle of booze, & well worth the price of today's headache & fatigue. P______ told us that if one drinks only vodka, one neither gets drunk nor hungover, which turned out to be a fatulent Russian lie. I inquired the Russian present about a joke sent me from Jennie Richardson, whom I asked to send me Russian jokes while she was there. I quote it directly from the e-mail, dated Monday, 24 October, 2005:

There's a monkey who goes to the store every day and buys a bottle of vodka and three yogurts. Every day the same woman sells the things to him. Then one day she says, "I just have one question: I understand why you want the vodka, by what's with the yogurt?" The monkey says he'll show why. He opens the vodka and takes a swig, then opens the yogurt and pours it on his head, yelling "I'm drunk, I'm drunk, I'm drunk!" So maybe it's not funny, but in context anything has a great potential. This young Russian, who is the host of Tim from my group, told this joke in his best and not so great English. Emily and I couldn't stop lauging. The next day, Tim told it in his not-so-great and best Russian in class to our professor.

Miss K__________ assured me that most Russian jokes are funny, & we discussed how comedy is different in different cultures. Since learning it, I have told this joke dozens of times in America, & have yet to receive more than a polite chuckle. Sometimes people respond angrily to a joke they do not get, which could be the psychological root of xenophobia. General Jack D. Ripper, in Dr. Strangelove; Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love the Bomb, is paranoid about the communist conspiracy to flouridate his precious bodily fluids. Purity of Essence. He points out that Russians drink only vodka, which is why he only drinks rain water & grain alcohol. Would the Russians get this joke? Or is the root of humor somehow linked to xenophobia, as Jennie's joke was only funny when a Russian told it in fractured English or an American told it in fractured Russian?

I had also asked Miss Richardson while she was there to find out what ‘James’ was in Russian, because while James was there, they just pronounced ‘Djames’ badly & made dumb comments about James Bond, but I insisted there must be a James in Russian because there’s a Bible in Russian & ‘James’ is a biblical name! I charged her to find a Russian Bible, & tell me what it says it Acts 1:12, “When they entered the city, they went to the upper room where they were staying, Peter & John & James & Andrew, Philip & Thomas, Bartholomew & Matthew, James son of Alphaeus, Simon the Zealot, & Judas son of James.” According to that passage, there were two apostles named James, & one second-generation, much like a family of brewers. Were any of Jesus’ disciples wine makers, or simply distributors of the blood of Christ? As Jesus himself allegedly said in the apocryphal Acts of James 3:21, “Verily I say unto thee, whosover drinketh the blood of the son of man, shall as finding water in a stone, bring forth the wine of my Father’s kingdom, & shall quench the thirst of all who seek the cup.” Note the emphasis on producing this sacred fluid. Combine it with the OT Jewish importance of Patriarchal Dynasty, & you have the jist of the theosophy of the Nolet, Busch, & Beam families. ‘James’ was the most common name for babies in America during the ’40s & ’50s, & continues to rank #17 today, but I have no idea if ‘Iakov’ remains a popular name in post-Communist Russia. (The best graph for American baby names is the Baby Names Voyager.)

At two o’clock in the morning, Mr Southworth concluded that a third of a bottle of vodka is “not enough to get anyone anywhere later,” so it was promptly finished. My compliments to the Ancient Blood of Schiedam!