MLS: The Best and Worst Club Names in Major League Soccer

I ♥ Wondolowski

As a Profession Baby Names Consultant, I wanted to weigh in on sports teams' names, specifically, American Soccer. I've been subscribing to MLS Live all year, and indulging in and binging on matches from all over the country. I've noticed that if I'm describing some of these games to non-soccer-following friends, they're often amused or astonished by some of the NAMES of our teams. So, partially for the benefit of my friends unfamiliar with these teams, here are my opinions of the very best and worst club names for upper division soccer clubs in the U.S.

Many of the MLS teams have generic soccer club names, like FC Dallas or D.C. United. I respect these names (even if "Football Club" should really be "Soccer Club," right?) Clubs with names like "Colorado Rapids" or "LA Galaxy" sounds more traditional Americanny, and again, I like them. These are the ones that stand out to me for their awesomeness or their horribleness:

5 Best MLS Club Names:

5. Philadelphia Union - My friend Mr Aha's choice. "Such an abstract concept to cheer for at a sports match," he texts me. It's similar to United, which has old world footballing cred, but with a bit of patriotic flavor.

4. Chicago Fire - Naming your sports team after a famous disaster that your city suffered is highly encouraged. And the old school firefighter-inspired badge as their logo is very classy.

3. San Jose Earthquakes - See above, except tenfold... Because earthquakes continue to be a massive fear in the bay area. (Remember that the 1989 one happened during a World Series game between the two bay area baseball teams.) 

2. Sporting Kansas City - I don't know why the Kansas City Wizards rebranded with this name, but I love it. The retro / anglophilic "Sporting" seems almost ironic, but this excellent team owns it perfectly.

1. Real Salt Lake - Beautiful juxtaposition of European naming style (Real Madrid) with distinctive American place name. My favorite MLS name.

5 Worst MLS Club Names:

5. Houston Dynamo - What even is a Dynamo? Power? Houston strong! Houston powerful!

4. Montreal Impact - or, Impact de Montréal. I don't know if "impact" seems less dorky in French, but it has no poetry in English. We are a soccer club and we will slam into you, creating an indentation!

3. Chivas USA - Guadalajara-owned expansion team took Guadalajara's nickname, which means 'goats.' However the generic location - USA - makes it hard for Southern Californians to root for them. Goats USA? I propose they move to Las Vegas and change their name to Chivas Las Vegas. Then people will assume they're sponsored by top-shelf Scotch whiskey.

2. Columbus Crew - Their logo has always reminded of A Clockwork Orange or The Warriors, and the whole thing has an awkward feel of mid-westerners trying to act street (rather than the working-class thing I'm assuming they were going for... Their club logo just needs an Indian and a cowboy.)

1. New York Red Bulls - The unambiguous winner. What could be more horribly American than a product placement in the club name? Even if you had never heard of the energy drink, the idea of a bull that was red as a team name is lame. But it's association with taurine makes it creepy beyond redemption. Change your name, New York! If MLS gets a second NYC franchise, and it takes the awesome old fashion NY soccer club name Cosmos, how depressing will your name be in comparison?

These are just one man's opinion. I apologize if I've mocked the name of the club you support. Comments / discussion welcome. And opinions about names of other footballing teams from elsewhere also encouraged.

Disc Baseball / Frisbee Baseball / Basedisc - How to play a game that doesn't exist

I was playing frisbee in a baseball diamond today, & trying to imagine how disc baseball might work. Something closer to disc golf, I would hope (where you can drink beer & trash talk), than to Ultimate, which is actually athletic. (So, more whiffle ball than MLB.) I assumed that this game has already been thought up by others, but my googly-research was a bit depressing. It revealed perhaps the saddest novelty sports blog possible, which owns the domain name www.discbaseball.com, screen shot below:

I imagined a game where the "pitcher" would throw a disc to the "batter," who would have to catch it and then re-throw it as far as he could into the outfield. Perhaps the baseball strike zone would be fairly larger than a baseball strike zone: If the pitcher failed to throw within the strike zone, it would be a ball, & if he threw it in the strike zone but the hitter couldn't catch it correctly, it would be a strike. Likewise, if a fielder caught the disc after the hitter re-threw it, the hitter would be out. I think the problem is, this game might be too easy for decent athletes, and only fun for beer-drinking hippies like ourselves who don't receive or throw too well. It might not leave enough time for the hitter to get to first base, & It might be harder, & better, with a smaller disc like a disc-golf disc. 


A website called gaggleofgames.com has also conceived of this game, and offers other hypothetical rules. Their use of the term "probably" makes it seem that they have not tried it either:

DISC BASEBALL

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Additional Props: Spots for Bases This game is played like baseball except for a few minor rule changes. Set up a baseball diamond by using the spots for bases and make the bases about 20 feet apart. Divide the group into two teams. Team 1 in the field, Team 2 at “bat”. There is no pitcher, and the rest of the team in the field can position themselves as needed (probably much like baseball). The first player from Team 2 throws the disc from home plate, then runs the bases. If the throw doesn’t go 20 ft. or goes foul, the batter tries again. Three fouls is an out. If the throw is caught on the fly, or the disc reaches a base before the runner gets there the batter is also out (just like baseball). As far as the fielders go, only the basemen (1st, 2nd, 3rd) can run with the disc. The other fielders have to throw it where it was picked up. Team 2 scores a run each time a runner crosses home plate. We play three outs to an inning and then the teams switch places. Make sure the fielders are at least 20 feet away (mark this area with the boundary cones) from home plate, so they don’t get beamed with the disc.

Please comment if anyone has attempted to play Disc Baseball, if it is just a bad idea, or how the rules might evolve into something functioning & fun.
Update: I also found this video, listed under "BaseDisc":

Department of Brian Wilson: Brian Wilson sings the songs of Brian Wilson

During the next week, (i.e. the World Series is in SAN FRANCISCO!), this blog will be all Brian Wilson, all the time. Next up on our Brian Wilson station, Brian Wilson sings the songs of Brian Wilson:

Sadly, the amazing Brian Wilson singing "Good Vibrations" video I really wanted to post is un-embeddable, so go watch it here.

Live-Blogging the Netherlands-Uruguay World Cup Match from the Reno Aces Stadium!

Good day. I spend the morning wandering around the casinos in Reno, Nevada, trying to find a sports book with free wifi so we could LIVE-BLOG this important SOCCER GAME.

It's been awhile since this blog has live-blogged - - - - - - - - - - -

Sadly, there's no rowdy crowd of orange or blue shirts here. Unable to find wifi in a casino, I ended up meeting my parents at the minor league Reno Aces baseball stadium, where there's some comfy bars above the park. They have the soccer game on huge screens, free internet, but there's NO ONE HERE! Full disclosure: on Mr Aha's suggestion, I put some money on Uruguay to win in regulation time, even tho I obviously expect the dutch to win.


11:40am. Here's the lonely scene of my parents & me watching the game at the Reno Aces stadium. Score is still nil-nil.

11:50. Incredible shot from far away! The crowd (of three of us) goes wild!

Mr Aha adds: I turned down the ESPN3 volume because of John Mr Negative Harkes and turned on the radio to hear the Irish Tommy Smith get excited. "How to Make Corn Liquor" also makes great background music for soccer!

12:12pm Oh shit! Now it's a game. Uruguay's Diego Forlorn [sic] comes forth for a perfect goal. Now it's tied before halftime.

Halftime roundup from Sandy: A few of the Reno Aces employees have filtered in to watch the game. Mr Quill’s opinion: “Now that it's even, I can say that I'm betting on Netherlands. Too bad they've made a career of choking.” I told him I have ten bucks on Uruguay winning during regulation time, with a payoff of $50. He was surprised the odds were that high, even tho Uruguay’s best players are out. He responded, “Still. I wouldn't have thought it THAT unlikely. And Netherlands profound choking should be taken into account. After the Euro Cup.” I was wondering if the playbook takes Paul the Psychic Octopus into account also, who unexpectedly picked Spain for tomorrow (He’s had 100% correct predictions this year, including Germany’s loss against Serbia. The only time Paul was wrong two years ago was, strangely enough, also the game against Spain. Who should I bet on! What a mindfuck, Paul!)



Halftime Roundup from Brains Aha!

Half time round up!

This is a big day for Uzbekistan. Sepp "Schwyzertuetsch" Blatter of
FIFA has chosen an Uzbek referee to officiate a semifinal in the World
Cup. This is crafty. If things go well, FIFA chose the best. But if
there's a bad call, FIFA can say, "Hey, we're just being inclusive
with referees from underrepresented, agrarian countries. Got a problem
with that, elitist?"

Diego Forlan scored for Uruguay. He also scored twice in the Europa
League final for his employer Atletico Madrid, which no one expected
against London Fulham's great goalie. He's like Barry Zuckerkorn.
"He's very good."

I don't know if S. Sandrigon will get his ten dollars back. It's not
likely. But Uruguay can win this. We'd have a very strange and
interesting final. Before it all started, I picked Holland to win
everything. I have proof.

I hope Sebastian Abreu gets to shoot another penalty kick. He has a
good sense of humor with eleven meters: http://youtu.be/3iZ5UkZdVJE

12:50pm One of the only other fans (my mother, with an eye for who's who, points out to me) in Bugsy's club above the Reno Aces stadium watching the soccer game is Bugsy himself, the manager of the Aces, in the company of a pretty woman.

12:58pm Even tho it didn't go in, I liked the style of Diego's penalty kick. The next few failed attempts from Holland sure looked like the smell of dutch downward spiral. Uruguay's playing pretty well.

1:00pm Nevermind! Holland! Crazy! That seemed to take place in slow motion.

1:03pm Again - - Netherlands 3-1, this time from Robben, a player with the same name as the island Nelson Mandela was imprisoned on. I've definitely lost my wager.

1:20pm Onward to an all-European final. Europe wins the Euro Cup every time, of course, which is hardly fair. What can we say, Uruguay - - - -
Emergency update! Last minute score from Uruguay! A little late for a crazy comeback.
Over & out from itwaslost bloggers in Reno & San Francisco.

POST GAME ROUNDUP! from Brains Aha!

The world's most competitive soccer tournament isn't the World Cup.
It's UEFA's Champions League, which is a year-round tournament. In
April of this year the remaining teams in the Champions League were
filled with Dutch players and Dutch coaches. None of the remaining
teams were from Holland's league(s), but the remaining teams had
players from Holland. Put them together and you might win another less
difficult yet more famous tournament. Sorry about the ten dollars, S.
Sandrigon. I'll buy your next sandwich.

Dear Leader personally scores against Brasil!

Brazil v. North Korea yesterday was considered the biggest mismatch of the world cup, so it was good to see the underdogs score at least one goal. In celebration, here's one of their finest patriotic songs (& this video has good english subtitles & North Korean images.)

Brazil's two are followed by North Korea's unlikely goal:

R. Kelly's Sign of a Victory

R. Kelly's song is the official anthem of the World Cup 2010 in South Africa, and it definitely needs some close inspection. What was that about global warming in there? It has a strange snare-drummy yet quasi-African beat. And that key change! According to the Huffington Post, he said "It's definitely no doubt a humanity song, and I'm hoping that everybody feels the same way when they hear it. [I'm] hoping they can be as touched by it as I was when I heard it in my head."

Department of Baseball: Enter Rojo Johnson

Hot off the press, for this blog's baseball fans:

The King of All Curling Jokes

Awhile ago, this blog ran a segment on Curling Jokes - & it may not surprise you when you learn that one of the top googled phrases leading seekers to this blog in the past year has been "curling jokes." Now it's Winter Olympics time, & there doesn't appear to be anyway to watch it online for free. But I was impressed at last week's The Simpsons for its plethora of curling jokes & also that amazing segment with a dancing cut-out of Homer's upside-down face:

The Superbowl on Chadwick's New Cardboard TV

I traveled from Berkeley to the Sunset District in San Francisco & rushed thru Golden Gate Park to make it to our friend Chadwick's party on time for Superbowl kick-off. Altho he had promised a real television in his invitation, it had not arrived yet, so we spent the first hour making one out of cardboard - with football player puppets, half-time show entertainers, cheerleaders, a Goodyear blimp, & an update-able score-board. It was a work of art.

And while we're on the subject of manly tackling, this was my favorite Republican response to the proposed repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" - the Republican Representative from San Diego Country, Duncan Hunter on NPR:

HUNTER: No, because I think it's bad for the cohesiveness and the unity in the military especially those that are in close combat, close quarters in country right now, it's not the time to do it. I think the military is not civilian and I think the folks that have been in the military in very close situations with each other, there has to be a special bond there and I think that bond is broken. If you open up the military to transgenders, to hermaphrodites to gays and lesbians.

HOST: Transgenders and hermaphrodites?

HUNTER: Yea, that's going to be part of this thing. It's not just gays an lesbians, it's this whole thing.

I'm glad his homophobia is non-discriminatory.

Also, if you're incorporating this Google Buzz into your gmail account, add me to your feed - - - Even if we're not gmail contacts, you can add it from the google profile here: http://www.google.com/profiles/ssandrigon

Department of Baseball: "Dock Ellis & the LSD No-No"

Many of you have seen this already, but Mr Chadwick Crawford showed it last night & it was news to me. (Our Department of Baseball is infrequently contributed to, anyway-- ah, hem). The late great Dock Ellis pitched a legendary No Hitter while tripping on acid, told the story many decades later, & artist James Blagden of No Mas animated on top:

Sports: Quilldipides running from Athens to Marathon this weekend

Bulgarious correspondent Mr Quill is running in Greece this weekend. In his own words:

Around 9AM Athens time, be sure to focus your thoughts on the number 4150. I will be dying somewhere between Athens and Marathon, contemplating the meaning of everything and asking the question that broke The General. W H Y. Why? Say it in your best McGoohan impression.

The following are my goals.

Primary Goals:

1. Finish. Do not walk at any point.

2. Eat a steak and have a beer afterward.

Secondary Goals:

1. Finish in under 4 hours.

2. Perform some kind of whimsical dance after finishing.

And after this Sunday, I will no longer be obligated to train and my evenings will open up for new activities. I plan on writing and studying. During my training, I could never measure the distance I was running by any means, so I described my average run as a 'Boar's Head' and measured thusly. I believe the Marathon is approximately 4 boar's heads. Now I will apply the boar's head to other things. I've decided that 1011 words is the writing equivalent of a boar's head and so I will try to treat it similarly, writing a boar's head 4 or 5 days a week. Keep your eyes open.

Thank you for all of your well wishin' on the runnin'. It will motivate me and my pride. And I'll let you know how it goes.

Britney. Sports.

Who knew Mikhail Bakhtin and Julia Kristeva influenced Britney Spears? Her new stuff is highly intertextual.

Oh, and, sports sports sports, sporty sport.

Bad Beard

February's not over yet. Let's do a Worst Beards feature.

I submit for your consideration: David Beckham's beard in late 2008. Ugh.



It includes an audio bit that I spliced for you from last week's World Football Weekly podcast on the BBC (20 seconds).

Mildly Salacious Ad Banned for Obviousness

In "sports" news, the following entirely appropriate PETA ad was not seen on television yesterday during a "Super" Bowl (overweight millionaires who run for five seconds then stop for a litigious referee or commercial break do not comprise a sport):



Ad text: "Studies show vegetarians have better sex."

Duh! Everyone knows vegetarian men are attentive and vegetarian women are dirty. Is that really news, "football" fans?

The Doody Family (click picture)

I love recessions when I hear about adversely affected rich people. And foreclosed McMansions or defaulted auto loans, which is nothing to be sad about. Oh, you wanted a master bedroom with 20ft. ceilings? Sustainable.

Manchester City soccer club (the blue team, not to be confused with Manchester United, which is the more popular red team) failed last week to sign Kaká, not to be confused with caca. The accent marks are there to help.

In superlative terms, the world’s richest sports club failed to sign the world’s second best player in what would have been the most expensive work contract ever. Does recession lead to sensibility?

You must click the picture for completely unrelated news out of Wolverhampton, England.

Miata T. Ops Sheep’s Kin

Formula One is Nascar for wealthier non-Americans. They live in Kuala Lumpur, Monte Carlo, or São Paolo and watch the races from their balconies, as opposed to living in the Poconos, the Ozarks, or a Dakota and tailgating. Formula One races are called “Grand Prixes.” The chairman of their sport was photographed during a Nazi-themed orgy in 2008. They like racing cars in city-centers. I don’t want to be their friend either.

If, like me, you delight in the news that auto makers have poor sales, then you’ll be glad to hear that Honda has pulled its team from Formula One for lack of funds.



The auto upholster around the corner from my apartment proudly declares Dr. Miata T.’s penchant for operating on sheep and sheep family.

Correspondences: Nude Group Chatting with Miss Proinseas, Mrs Shitchrist, Mssrs. Mary & Welsch

Coming soon to our popular Correspondences Section: Peace Negotiations, Revisions, Squabbles & Outtakes from our Special Political Editorial: Endorsement for President of the United States of Frontier Village, Nebraska.

Meantime, here is a lively chat amongst some of our contributors:

4:23 PM Annalee has joined

Olaf: will it be glossier?

me: It'll be nakeder.

Grâce: Annalee!

Annalee: oh goodness.

hello!

Olaf: annalee? holy shitchrist!

Grâce: ah!

hi!

virtual hello!

Olaf: what the fuck is going on?

Annalee: just annalee is fine.after the divorce, i dropped the 'shitchrist'

Grâce: thats how i feel too

Annalee: seriously.

4:24 PM also, grace, is it true you're in brooklyn?

Grâce: um, yeah?

me: You got divorsed Grace, or just un-shitchristed?

Grâce: where the fuck are you?

Olaf: right here

Grâce: not you

me: Who me?

Annalee: i'm right here, too.

Olaf: i know....sorry

Grâce: in brooklyn?

Olaf: we're all right here

me: Hu's the president of China?

Annalee: third base!~

Grâce: no he's not he's a political prisoner

4:25 PM me: Let's group-chat, dudes.

Annalee: i think we are.

sort of.

and yes, grace, i'm in brooklyn.

4:26 PM Grâce: what part man? what are you doing tonight? Im going to a rock and roll show at public assembly in williamsburg

the only time ive been to williamsburg the whole time ive lived here was with liam

when we got drunk with a bodybuilder and a sexy egyptian lawyer

and saw some avant garde dance

Annalee: wow.

i've been to williamsburg a million times, but have done neither of those things.

Grâce: but i might be going again tonight

4:27 PM Annalee: actually, i've seen avant garde dance.

me: The World series! What'll they think of next?

Olaf: yeah! say, fuck that show, you guys should come on over to my pad in santa fe and watch the final episode of UFO! yeah!

Grâce: fuck the world series

Annalee: sounds like a plan.

Grâce: it's dead to me

it's dead to quill, too

4:28 PM Olaf: grace, your description of the night is wonderful

that night

Grâce: thank you, I'm glad you think so

Olaf: sooooo

Grâce: the red sox made me cry this year

4:29 PM remember when quill punched a hole in the wall?

Annalee: of course.

Grâce: new mexico doesnt have any sports teams

i think Liam should start one

Olaf: yup

okay!

lets seee

maybe, um......archery!

Annalee: i like it.

Olaf: i just bought a bow and arrow today

4:30 PM bunch of injuns roaming these parts

Grâce: any good moroccan sports that would transfer well? camel racing?

me: The Santa Fe Bill Richardsons.

Grâce: you're hilarious james

Annalee: archery... on camels.

Grâce: excellent Annalee

Olaf: yeah, camel archery

Annalee: archery... with camels?

Olaf: camarchery

Annalee: you'd need a bigger bow.

Grâce: bow-and arrow camel polo

me: It could be like the terrorist biathlon

4:31 PM Olaf: archcamelry

maybe we should add skiing

Grâce: with bunnies instead of a ball

Olaf: and hold it in those indoor ski slopes in saudi arabia

me: So, what are you guys wearing?

Olaf: yeah, an lets throw in shetland cattle and log throwing

4:32 PM Grâce: did anyone else see the thing on TV about the french guy who is in charge of the indoor snowmaking in dubai?

he was like, younger than us

Olaf: well, a sweater, and some...

Grâce: he made me feel like a loser

Annalee: and full contact flower arranging.

Olaf: underwear

Annalee: flannel.

Olaf: but grace, you are writing the CONTENT.

no PR bullshit, or gant bullshit,

Grâce: I'm wearing a jacket i made. it was inspired by jail.

Olaf: grant

4:33 PM me: Dude, I recommend yer skivvies

Grâce: ah yes

Annalee: you were in jail?

Grâce: no but i look like i could be right now

me: I've got some prison pants I sleep in.

Orange

4:34 PM Jenny's ex-boyfriend stole them from jail, & I stole them from her.

Grâce: we used to live in a house together, and now we meet in a series of tubes

Olaf: Clementine

Annalee: like you do.

Olaf: yeah, like, what the fuck

Annalee: seriously.

Olaf: i have to leave my house to talk to you

Grâce: it's a series of tubes!

4:35 PM me: My tube seems to be growing smaller as I progress thru it, yet there's no way back.

Peter Piper Picked a Pack o' Players

Alliteration (begin-rhyme) has pretty much lost out in favor to rhyme (end-rhyme). Though it has still been used sparingly, Edgar Allen Poe, "While I nodded, nearly napping..." or Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who!"

Here is a list of soccer teams that use alliterative names to very memorable effect:

Wolverhampton Wanderers (England)
Alemannia Aachen (Germany)
Figueirense Florianopolis (Brazil)
Seattle Sounders (USA)
Cracovia Krakow (Poland)
Kemi Kings (Finland)

The transition to rhyme and end of alliteration in the West took place between AD 750 to AD 1050, coinciding, more or less, with Christianization. I wrote a little more about it this week in my blog.

Fabio Capello's Glasses

Your sports and leisure correspondent made you a video. Since you love fashion, this is a rundown of Fabio Capello's glasses over part of his career. Fabio Capello is currently the coach of England's men's national soccer team, but he's also been the gaffer at a few other teams/clubs. I first saw him on TV in 2004 during a primetime match wearing the red frames. Those specs made quite an impression on me.

Live-Blogging Middle-of-the-Night at the Olympics

Welcome to Beijing, we're here in Berkeley, California, where we'll be live-blogging into the wee hours of Tuesday Morning, Pacific Time. Thanks for staying awake, having a glass of chardonnay, to share this moment with me. Refresh the page early & often.

12:45 AM PT I've been watching whitewater kayak slaloms for awhile. It's like skiing slaloms.. but with kayaks. This Canadian Dave Ford is in his fifth Olympics, handily beating the Irish & Dutch scores. Watch here: http://www.nbcolympics.com/canoekayak/index.html. Or this perhaps will directly open the player: http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/player.html?assetid=CNUH-BJ-SD23-081208-145509 My player looks more like a slide-show than like television - BUT, no blah-blah commentators, just subtle text commenting at the bottom & the soothing sounds of the crowd & artificial white-water. It's the semifinals for the Men's K-1, it looks like a water-park slide.

1:01 AM The sound & text commentary seems to be way ahead of the choppy video. Australia has taken first place. The Live Commentary pointed asks, "Looks fast -- can he keep this up?". We'll find out soon, depending on which dude he was referring to.

1:07 AM Wait, now some country called TOG seems to be leading, wherever that is. Austria's Helmut Oblinger is in his fourth Olympic games - Don't these guys do anything else?

1:12 AM I'm keeping my eyes peeled for a purple flag. This is the place to find one. The NBC text commentator informs us: "trying to make up for that by going all-out now." I'm inclined to disagree.

1:18 AM. France's Fabien Lefevre apparently "revolutionized the sport with his one-stoke [sic] upstream technique." First of all, everyone knows there are no rivers in France, second of all, certainly none you'd care to paddle upstream.

1:23 AM The possibly non-fictional country TOG has beat Australia by .01 of a point, hardly enough to matter. This sport would be more interesting if everyone got to race in a different white-water river.

1:30 AM Great television by any standard: a fifteen minute shot of the Shunyi Olympic Rowing-Canoeing Park, a beautiful spiral grassy garden, with rock music & an echoey Chinese announcer. The Men's C-1 final is up next, perhaps we'll explore a bit before that commences.

1:37 AM Well, as promised, I explored a bit, & I did find another bottle of White Wine, a fine Beyerskloof Chenin Blanc from 2006 - wonderful year for acidic bilge. Other sports I could be watching right now on my fancy 30-frames-per-minute viewer, in alphabetical order: Archery, Badmitten, Basketball, Rowing, Soccer, Softball, Tennis, Waterpolo, Weightlifting, or Wrestling. If we stick with Kayaking, tho, we could be awake at 3:15 AM to watch TOG win a gold or fucking Lefevre whip out his revolutionary up-stoke. I prefer the summer sports that are kind of winter sports in disguise.

1:45 AM Furthermore, many of both the winter & summer sports are performed inside, so why can't gymnastics or judo be performed in the Autumn or Spring? These accents now singing "We Will Rock You" sound suspiciously Michiganderan.

1:48 AM, The schedule was confusing, but I think I fixed above errors (Thank you, Ted, for pointed out my inconsistencies.) Benn Fraker of America is off & really paddling his kayak a lot thru those scary white rapids. Whoo! He wins for handsomeness every day.

1:51 AM I don't like the looks of this Spaniard with the horribly un-American name Ander Elosegui, kayaking seconds faster than gentle Benn.

1:56 AM The NBC text commentators have abandoned us! I'm lost without them! Isn't it reneging horribly on their job to completely miss commenting on the finals.

2:00 AM The least we can expect in the 21st-Century is snappy instantaneous live videos from China, text commentation from experts who know more about kayaking than me, & an occasional cheer-leader shot. That's all we ask. Greater Great Britain's David Florence just took the lead by a big margin.

2:06 AM "Sorry I got kicked off the internet!" a feeble excuse from my poor text robot friend. How come the English are such dominant kayakists? Seems they have rivers all over Europe now. Wait, wait, now Slovakia's getting the Gold, & the UK silver.. This all happens too fast for me to understand; & now we're back to our beautiful endless shot of the Shunyi Park. They should play little cartoons of the Olympic Mascots while we're waiting.

2:15 AM I think the dog puked in the next room. Or at least there was a lot of swearing that wasn't related to Poland's abysmal choke. I think it's almost time for the K-1 finals.

2:19 AM Anyone notice the conspicuous lack of Asians or Africans from this game? Ireland's Eoin Rheinisch has finished, & I believe he can win it if none of the other countries race.

2:23 AM Helmut Oblinger fails to dethrone Rheinisch from his penultimately-last-place standing. My text commentor appears to have been banned from the internet in China again.

2:29 AM Hi-lights from the resumed text commentary: "Take that Lefevre!" I wish I knew what had happened to upstoke stupid fucking Lefevre!
&:
"Dave Ford, the 41-year-old is next... Since I'm 62, I want Dave to win!"
Ageism! On National Internet Television!
Ford, incidentally, was ahead at the beginning of this run, & fell behind half-way thru, common un-clutchiness with Canadian Kayakists.

2:35 AM Germany's young Grimm just kicked stern, coming in five seconds ahead of Ireland! An upset!? Lefevre approaches...

2:38 AM France surrenders to unexpected Teutonic mighty speediness. The Australian's name is Warwick Draper-- many of the parents of future Olympic Kayakers having apparently consulted with Thomas Pynchon.

2:41 AM No exhalations in the bleachers as Benjamin Boukpeti from TOG challenges Grimm's unexpected low score... ... Looks like he's going to do it.

2:43 AM What drama! This is what it's all about isn't it! Boukpeti cleaves his paddle in twain, exultation exultation!

2:47 AM Apparently TOG is Togo, & Boukpeti came in third over all, after Germany's Gold & France's Silver. "Grimm's fairy tales!" points out the robot.

2:52 AM I should probably go to sleep, altho all this witching-hour kayaking has got my adrenaline flowing like Togo's Mono River, & I still have three-quarters of a bottle of Beyerskloof Chenin Blanc. Thank you all for your comments & enthusiastic e-mails. The finest kayakists of the world are receiving their due medals in Chenyi's grassy spiral gardens. Sleep deeply & dream of Adidas wetsuits.