Correspondences: "Talk Dirty to Me"

from "Pele" pele__@gmail.com to "Essąn Dragone" ______@gmail.com date Wed, Sep 9, 2009 at 4:18 PM subject Chat with Pele mailed-by gmail.com

3:45 PM me: Talk dirty to me.

3:46 PM Dumpsters,

Rat feces.

Pele: barf?

mayonaise

um

compost

3:47 PM me: Gross,

Pele: ok

Acne Vulgaris

me: Ten-day-old kitty litter

More, more

Pele: Butt cheese

me: taint butter

3:48 PM Yes yes~

More!

Pele: fat lady sweat

me: The dump!

Pele: Blister or blisters.

me: Seaweed forests

Pele: Blister of Blisters!

hey - those are nice

me: Dick Cheney's old-man diapers.

Pele: I love seaweed.

Gross.

3:49 PM me: They smell a little gross tho/

Pele: Yeah...like

dead fish.

Miso

Left in the Fridge

and Freezer burned

3:50 PM me: Ewwww

Pele: Dandruff fallen in your shoes and mashed.

snot rockets

You're losing.

3:51 PM me: It's all too good.

Pele: Old man's rotty breath.

3:52 PM me: Eel sex

Pele: Second hand smoke stuck to your clothes.

Is it?

me: Rotting raw meat juices.

Pele: gah!

3:53 PM Animal carcass under the floor boards.

me: I've heard that's only gross for a little bit.

3:54 PM Pele: Cocoa pebbles.

me: Mmmm

Wait

Do breakfast cereals count?

Pele: Who's counting?

3:55 PM me: Talk dirty to me

Pele: Oh, I am!

old flower water...

3:56 PM me: The Osmand family's parents' bedroom

Pele: fish paste

3:57 PM me: Taco Bell's kitchen bathroom after a staff party.

Pele: roach nest

We're in sync!

me: More baby!

Yeah baby!

3:58 PM Afterbirth cocktails

Pele: Dog poo, eaten by a dog, and vomited, and re-eaten.

3:59 PM What have you done!

me: Botched colonoscopy

4:00 PM Pele: Trumpet spit-valve

Cloaca

4:01 PM cloaca 69!

me: Ooh

4:02 PM Pele: owl pellet on a stick

4:03 PM me: Poo

Poo-Poo

Poo-Poo Platter

Pele: Deep fried poo-poo-poo

4:04 PM me: On a platter

4:05 PM Pele: Monkeys are dirty.

me: People are monkeys.

4:06 PM Pele: The scuz floating on the top.

Yes we aer.

4:07 PM me: Republicans masterbating to photographs of Palin children.

Don't go there./

Pele: Aaaaaaaaaaah

You went in that door!

4:08 PM You got out at that exit!

me: Oh no, it's too late.

4:09 PM Pele: James McGroady Gross

4:12 PM me: This has been instructional.

Pele: Plastic surgery bandages.

me: He he

Pele: Used ones.

5 minutes

4:18 PM me: You disgust me.

Paula: You asked for it.

Mays Days Politics Quotes: American Umami

Some of these quotes are old news, but they have a lingering aftertaste on my umami. (As a sidenote, my older brother has worked as a professional taster & brewmaster for a major brewery, & he does not believe in umami. So could umami be like the Quintessence of the tongue? Coming soon, a Special Report: Umami: Liberal Hoax or Fulfillment of our Full Seraphic Flavor Potential?)

Firstly, I love the logic in this quote from The Washington Examiner's Chief Political Correspondent Byron York:

[Obama's] sky-high ratings among African-Americans make some of his positions appear a bit more popular overall than they actually are.

Black opinions are like the umami on the taste-buds of American sentiment: imaginary, but somehow ineffably influential to the National Relish.

Second, do you remember when New York Times editorialist Maureen Dowd asked George Lucas if she was being unfair by likening Dick Cheney to Darth Vader for so many years. He responded that she had got the analogy wrong, that "You know, Darth Vader is really a kid from the desert planet near Crawford, and the true evil of the universe is the emperor who pulls all the strings". Dowd was surprised that "Dick Cheney was more evil than Darth Vader. I hadn’t been hard enough on Vice!" I love that comparing our quasi-Democratically-elected former-VP to evil villains is still relevant, especially now that he's come out from his undisclosed location, & the journalists are arguing about which baddie he better resembles. David Edelstein in the New York Magazine spent 688 words pondering the issue, & fairly concluded:

For my money, Cheney is [Emperor] Palpatine with a soupçon of Sauron, a pinch of Voldemort, a dash of Mabuse, a jigger of Fu [Manchu], with some Elmer Fudd and Richard Nixon folded in.

Delicious. Now there is Dijongate. Jon Stewart was mocking the way the cable news spent countless minutes watching Obama & Biden order burgers at lunch. But the right-wing talk show response to what Obama ordered was far more entertaining.

I don't even like the way the man orders a hamburger. You're listening to The Laura Ingraham Show. What kind of man orders a cheeseburger without ketchup but Dijon mustard? See, he was trying to do this whole thing with Biden -- "We're like the regular people, we're like every other guy, you know, with our -- on our lunch break, we're going to go grab a burger, two guys, two bros." No....Well, we're gonna -- we're two bros hanging out together all right, man? How was your day? I love you, man. I love you. The guy orders a cheeseburger without ketchup? What is that?
-Laura Ingraham, on her radio show called The Laura Ingraham Show.

Now, the Gateway Pundit blog pointed out that plain old ketchup, well, it didn't quite cut it for the president. Now take a look at him ordering his burger with a very special condiment... All right, I hope you enjoyed that fancy burger, Mr. President.
-Sean Hannity, on his tv show called Hannity

He eats a hamburger with Dijon mustard -- Dijon mustard. John Kerry couldn't get away with that stuff, but he makes it seem like just like a regular thing to do. Now there's -- I see that some of the left-wing commentators are saying, "Why are people making a fuss about the Dijon mustard?" but that's just an example of the way Obama is able to enlighten us.
-Mark Steyn, from outer space.

And the left-wing blogospheric responding to the right-wing response:

Grey Poupon is owned and manufactured by Kraft Foods. It is the processed cheese of mustards. It is the fucking Velveeta of faux-French products. Can we all shut the fuck up?
-The Awl, May 7, 2009.

I was trying to think of something clever to write combining umami, the uniform American consensus on hamburger sauces, & freedom fries, but I think those quotes speak for themselves. Lastly, I thought the funniest moment in the White House Correspondents Association Dinner wasn't anything Wanda Sykes said, but the president's shout-out to the RNC Chairman Michael "Urban-Suburban Hip-Hop" Steele:

Michael Steele is in the house tonight. Or as he would say, 'in da heezy.' ... Whasup?

a word or two on politics...Obama post-election, etcetera

I got a text from my friend James today and had a brief exchange about the current hullabaloo around Obama's (mostly unconfirmed) cabinet picks. The talking heads, I see, are babbling away about the fact that Holder, Craig, Emanuel are quote old Clinton White House hands, and therefore "not changey" enough. As if there is some sort of betrayal going on here and Obama was going to stack the deck with...well...me and james and liam and quill, and oh hell, a couple of you guys reading this- why not? or perhaps draw from the hidden well of extremely experienced tried and tested political talent in the Democratic party that NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF BEFORE.
reality check. It has come from others and I will simply reiterate. The majority of Dem talent that does not actually serve in the Congress or currently govern a state, and who are not senile, are career people who served (mostly successfully) in Bill Clinton's administration. The pool of top-notch people in any given political party at any given point in time is not anywhere near the infinite depth and breadth that the need-2-talk 24 hrs a day folks seem to be implying with their faux outrage here. Nobody should be surprised at these appointments, and they certainly should not be equated with the tragic early death of the promise of change.
The other options Obama has (and he has shown a willingness to exercise them as well), are basically to siphon Dem talent from the Congress (Biden and quite possibly Hillary in the near future), and from the Dem governors. I'm sure NOW and their like would like to see Janet Napolitano and Claire Mccaskill get a spot in the cabinet, but Obama has to be careful when he pinches this talent, to ensure that Repubs won't jump into the breach and make governing more difficult by fucking up key majorities or near-majorities and replacing deputies in key spots.
With all this said, as I told James, I look for Obama to do his real moving and shaking mainly outside of these traditional core cabinet positions. It is clear from the talent-recruiting initiative going on through the transition team's web presence, that they are throwing the net far and wide. They are bound to get thousands of resumes from young, tech-savvy, innovative talent. My brother, who is a systems engineer, is applying to work in the Office of Urban planning...He is offering the incoming administration his talent to work on issues of technology, web infrastructure and urban development and sustainability. He is just one example of the cornicopia of talent (particularly young talent) that Obama will have to pick from in staffing the offices that he will spearhead to address urgent issues that were ignored under the current Administration. Don't look for the fresh blood in the cabinet folks- look for decentralization of power and important activity to outlying offices- and not evil Bush-Cheney secret prison shit-. JFK authorized some of the most groundbreaking initiatives of his presidency through relatively obscure offices like the presidents initiative on juvenile delinquency which was overseen by RFK and an old friend of his from high school who had previously been only peripherally involved in politics but was interested in addressing the inequity blocking youth in ghettoes from advancement. The peace corps and Americorps both originated outside of the core Cabinet. Obama has already made "spreading power and ownership around"- decentralizing command, re-constituting the traditional hierarchy and allowing the grassroots to initiate when it is most effective- the hallmark of his leadership style. I expect he will continue to do so as President. Filling the cabinet with the people who essentially exist to fill the cabinet is only a prelude. Don't get caught up in this bullshit-hype. Instead, why not go over to Change.gov and apply to work in the administration yourself?

Plea to the Chinese-English Translators of the World

Many of us were amazed to read of the rampant copyright violation in China, with millions of Harry Potter fakes by different anonymous authors. Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Relative Prince, Harry Potter and the Hiking Dragon, Harry Potter and the Chinese Empire, Harry Potter and the Young Heroes, Harry Potter and the Big Funnel, Harry Potter and the Chinese Porcelain Doll, Harry Potter and the Leopard-Walk-Up-To-Dragon. Mr Quill told me of a series of Wizarding School books in Russia called "Gharry Potter", defended by Russians because of Rowling's "plagiarism of Russian mythology" (like dragons & unicorns & other specifically Russian folklore.) There has also been fan-generated spin-off short stories on-line galore, including competitions. Well, now that we're all done with the real stuff - for those of us who have been crying for days about what eleven-year-old Albus's middle name is - let's bring on the fakes!

This is rather like issues involving music copyrighting, the integrity of our Republic's Congressmen defending what order people use the twelve notes in. A lot of creativity cannot be expressed today because of legal hangups, composers like Charles Ives or Copland could not have freely adapted American tunes under today's laws. And hip-hop djs, who have to pay royally if they adapt more than a fraction of a second of recored material. And for folk musicians, thank god no one has not copyrighted G major, D major, & C major, or there'd be no new music in the library of congress.

Today's New York Times reported about one of the Crème-de-la-Crème of Rowling's plagiarists, actually motivated by paternal motives, & approved by fans:

One such writer is a manager at a Shanghai textile factory named Li Jingsheng. “I bought Harry Potter 1 through 6 for my son a couple of years ago, and when he finished reading them, he kept asking me to tell him what happens next,” he explained. “We couldn’t wait, so I began making up my own story and in May last year, I typed it up on my computer. I had to get up early and go to bed late to write this novel, usually spending one hour, from 6 to 7 in the morning and 10 to 11 in the evening to write it.”

The result was “Harry Potter and the Showdown,” a 250,000-word novel, the final version of which he placed recently on Web sites, followed by a notice saying he was looking for publishers. The book quickly logged 150,000 readers on a popular Chinese site, Baidu.com’s Harry Potter fan Web page.

“This is fantastic,” Gu Guaiguai, an admiring reader, wrote online about “Showdown.” “I wonder if Rowling would bother to continue to write if she had read it.”

Another reader was even more breathless. “You are the pride of our Harry Potter fans,” he wrote, adding, “We expect you to go on and write Harry Potter number eight,” which Mr. Li has in fact already begun.

Alas, no English translation exists of "the Showdown"... but I'm dying to know! Get to work, friends!

"If Voldemort had never heard of the prophecy, would it have been fulfilled? Would it have meant anything? Of course not! Do you think every prophecy in the Hall of Prophecy has been fulfilled?"

-Prof. Dumbledore, from "Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince" (2005)

"Were you there the night they lost the lightning
Were you there the day the earth stood still
Did you see the famous and the fighting
Did you hear the prophet tell his tale"

-John Denver, "Dancing With the Mountains" (1980)

Also, as a related observation, today marks the failure of April's Prophecy, which predicted the duel fall of Voldemort & Mr Cheney. A way a lone a last a loved a long the riverun.

Mime Review, and my July Fourth Set List

I was separated from my friends this Independence Day, curses from a dead mobile phone battery, & I ended up alone in San Francisco's Mission Delores Park for the least patriotic birthday our country's ever felt. The San Francisco Mime troupe put on a free musical about Dick Cheney & some gay war reporters, which was some sharp & broad political humor. One of the songs was about 'where you find love, you'll find America'. Another song, a love song between the gay soldiers reminiscing about their homeland rendezvous, had the hook "we're not in Wisconsin anymore." The show also included Condi Rice zapping Cheney with a heart attack remote control. I had sort of written off anti-Bush political humor as having nowhere to grow, but this was the best I've ever seen it; our country's just gotten bitterer & the jokes blacker.

I was dressed in light blue & white, to match my new Fluke ukulele, with a flag tie, & I played a forty-five minute set on the sidewalk - pulling in a whopping four dollars (£2), which I'm drinking right now. My God-Bless-America set list, to tickle the curiosity of those in Hawaii & in the Twenty-Second Century, & to make me grin in my sweet dementia when I live in Hawaii in the Twenty-Second Century:

Rocky Mountain High (Colorado's State Song, written by some God-fearing stoner, the "Seam Thong" of the Mountainous Ukulele Style)
My Home Town (Alan Price)
I'll Follow the Sun (Lennon/McCartney)
Vatican Rag (Tom Lehrer)
Tiptoe Thru the Tulips (Al Dubin & Joe Burke)
I Want to Marry a Lighthouse Keeper (sung for a young lass's birthday)
River del Montague (which I wrote when I was sixteen)
Broadway Baby (Stephen Sondheim)
Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head (Burt Bacharach & Hal David)
Little Grass Shack (Bill Cogswell, Tommy Harrison & Johnny Noble)
Dear Someone (Gillian Welch)
Yankee Doodle Dandy (George M. Cohen)
Battle Hymn of the Republic (with some of my own verses).

I am not attempting this record for the money. It is enough for me to know that I have inspired an entire generation of young people to grow long body hairs and achieve their own dreams.

-Doug Williams, my colleague at Sarah Lawrence College,
who was just entered in Guinness for the world's longest nipple hair, from his press release.

Liberals don’t believe in free exchange, tolerance, or the marketplace of ideas. They believe in the iron boot of liberalism stamping out any view that upsets the liberal apple cart.

-Brent Bozell, President of the so-called "Media Research Center",
waxing all mixed metaphoric on Elizabeth Edwards & Ann Coulter

Stepping in a rhythm to a Kurtis Blow
Who needs to think when your feet just go?
With a hiditihi & a hipitiho,
Who needs to think when your feet just go?
Who needs to think when your feet just go?
James Brown,
James Brown,
James Brown,
James Brown.

-The Tom-Tom Club, "Genius of Love"

A Prophecy

In today's Economist, in a report about the downfall of the Neocons, it is written "Mr Cheney is proving no more destructible than Lord Voldemort." Well, as the world well knows, the seventh & final Harry Potter book will be released July 21st, in eighty-nine days. Nothing is certain, of course, & Lord Voldemort may prevail, Harry die, or both - but I tend to be an optimist - And, really, the series, marketed primarily to adolescents, has already be surprisingly dark. Furthermore, the last few weeks have shown people closer & closer to Bush going down, (altho, characteristically, neither Wolfowitz nor Gonzales have submitted their resignations). Let's take the Economist's sentence as a prophecy, & hope to see both You-Know-Whos fall in July. You heard it here first.

Weight Watchers

I have been away from the Internet all week, following around Mrs Bonnie Anne Whiting Smith, of Indiana's Tales & Scales, as she performs contemporary classical music in elementary school assemblies (including a commisioned piece by Jerome Kitzke! with texts by Whitman & Langston Hughes!) I take the California Zephyr back to Tahoe first thing next week, at which point, loyal readers, keep an eye out for a review of Wilkie Collins' The Moonstone, & whatever else I happen to read on the train.

Also of note: Ms Grace Marlier has alerted me to a website containing historical Weight Watchers' Recipes. It is a cultural triumph; or, as the youngest Boudelaire sibling in the Lemony Snicket books points out, "Bushcheney!"