Two Feet Tall - Lyrics & Chords

Here's a new song I wrote in Tahoe last week, and took a quick youtube of my initial practicing of it. It started out as a folk song, but evolved of its own volition into folk-reggae.

Two Feet Tall - Lyrics & Chords

E Esus E F#min B7
She was fated to be eliminated.
Esus E F#min B7
She was bloated the day she was promoted.
A Bsus C#min
She was flailin’ like a Palin,
Dmaj7 A
And shining like a nickel,
Bsus C#min
And feelin’ like New Zealan’,
Dmaj7 B7sus6 B7 B7sus6 B7
While mining for a pickle.

She was grumpy and dressing pretty frumpy,
She was angry at silly Lily Langtry.
She was diving off the ivy,
Then crashing on the pavement,
And sobbing like a robin
Dmaj7 B7sus6 B7 B7sus6 D7/B  
While splashing cross the raiment.

G F#min
I love a girl who’s only two feet tall,
Bmin7 D7/B
Her eggs are barren, but she cares about toaster ovens.
G F#
I like the curls that hide her prayer shawl.
Bmin7
Her legs are buried deep in the earth’s crust,
D7/B B7  D7/B B7
And I lost in her bust.

She was psychotic, and half-auto-erotic,
She was mothering, so much so she was smothering.
She was flying neath the oceans,
While hiding from the fighting,
And crying crystal potions,
Confiding in the lightning.

I love a girl who’s only two feet tall, &c.

She was gorgeous as Florida’s mortgages.
She could plagiarize, and she had a teenager’s thighs.

She’s stalling to be famous,

She photo-bombed on Fox News,

She’s crawling to Uranus,

With Pluto on her socks and shoes.

I love a girl who’s only two feet tall, &c.
I love a girl who’s only two feet tall, &c.
© 2012 The Manna Tease

Girlfriend Doggerel: I. Fontelyn Brotemy

Fontelyn Brotemy

A girl called Fontelyn Brotemy was my lover in 2010,

She had legs that went all the way down to the floor,

She was easy to please, but she was also easy to bore,

And she knew me as well as she had known plenty men.

I would rather have Fontelyn Brotemy than none at all.

I once asked her if she dreamt in color when she dozed,

And she told me she couldn’t see anything with her eyes closed,

And then she tied me down & did naughty things with a snake's rattle.

I took Fontelyn Brotemy to Ohio to meet my parents.

They asked her why she had dropped out of nursing school,

And she told them she believed in the golden rule,

And since no one had ever nursed her, she couldn't be bothered to care for patients.

I would rather have Fontelyn Brotemy than an open flesh-wound.

She brushed her teeth five times a day to fight off plaque,

And she had curves like an ATV race track.

She liked to role-play as Ahab & Moby Dick, & be repeatedly harpooned.

I took Fontelyn Brotemy to Rome to meet the Pope.

He asked her if she always met the leaders of world religions wearing a bikini,

And she told the Pope, I wanted you to fully see me.

She left Rome with a decent tan & a purse full of the hotel’s complementary soap.

I would rather have Fontelyn Brotemy than a bottle of Fernet.

When she left me for a Republican Congressman from Utah,

I asked her if she had used me for my oom-pah-pah,

And she told me keep my tuba in tune: I hadn’t heard the last of her yet.

Art by Olaf Mary from www.liamgolden.com

Processed, Completed, Aborted, Lost & Forgotten: www.itwaslost.org's 2009 New Years Resolutions

Before my Twenty-Ten list finalizes, now is the time to review my 2009 New Years Resolutions & see what did & didn't done get done. I shall re-post them here &, in full disclosure & fidelity to reality, report if they were completed:

-Stop going to see movies starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. I don't know why I kept making that mistake in 2008.

COMPLETED! I think I successfully avoided this man's overhyped acting talent. I even avoided The Big Lebowski.

-Throw a mint julep party. I have a humongous bottle of Maker's Mark hidden in my apartment, which I bought a long time ago to throw a fabulous mint julep party. Why haven't I done this yet?

ABORTED!
That dusty bottle of Maker's Mark, approximately the size of my head, is still hidden in my apartment. In 2010!!! Mint Juleps! My place! This summer!

-Homeless people make me uncomfortable. I think I'm going to stay the course on this one.

COURSE STAYED!

-Pay more attention to ladies' butts. You ladies don't get enough credit for your butts. Occasionally, I hope to notify a lady if she has something special.

PROCESSED!
Ladys' butts were routinely analysed, data collected, & I will be issuing a full report on Lady Butts of 2009 sometime in the 2011 academic year.

-Drink more beverages out of tall glasses. A tall glass of water. A tall glass of juice.

FORGOTTEN!
I forgot about this one after a few months, but it's a damn good idea. To more tall glasses in the Tweens!

-Sing more hymnody in small groups.

LOST!
Time is running low before the rapture to get thru the whole bloody psalmody.

-Date more white girls.

FAILED!
Four monosyllabic words, & I think I failed on each one individually.

-There are several cocktails I wish to invent. Specifically, my idea for the Long Thailand Iced Tea, which would involve some combination of sweetened condensed milk, iced tea, & all the booze in Long Island.

INCOMPLETE!
That cocktail sounds delicious, how come I never invented it yet?

-Jesus Christ walked on American soil.

SUCCESS!
Jesus Christ walked on American soil.

-Write a Text Message Novel. This has already started, more on that anon, but I would like to see this project thru.

UNFINISHED!
It was so good too, but I think the fad passed.

-Female Professional Midget Wrestlers.

DISREGARDED!

-616 Blog Posts. You probably saw this coming. That's like two a day. Are we up to it? The mathematical gods demand it.

MISCARRIED!
And we tried so hard too! 602!? We were almost there, despite heroic efforts from all parties, pinch hitters, we just didn't quite make it. Thank you all for your handsome mugs.

-A new format for this website. I'd like it to be more magazine style, like the Huffington Post, with different sections, like Fashion & Architecture. We are looking at the horizon of greatness.

NOPE!
Next year! A fancy new blog format! We want it! We will work towards it!

Grainne's resolution, to meet all her itwaslost friends in Bulgaria, was a roaring success, of course.

Like I said, my twenty-ten resolutions are a work-in-progress (they nearly all have to do with owning more money), but I do have two decade resolutions:

-Kill a man.

-Sleep with a woman.

Onward & upward!

Correspondences: "Talk Dirty to Me"

from "Pele" pele__@gmail.com to "Essąn Dragone" ______@gmail.com date Wed, Sep 9, 2009 at 4:18 PM subject Chat with Pele mailed-by gmail.com

3:45 PM me: Talk dirty to me.

3:46 PM Dumpsters,

Rat feces.

Pele: barf?

mayonaise

um

compost

3:47 PM me: Gross,

Pele: ok

Acne Vulgaris

me: Ten-day-old kitty litter

More, more

Pele: Butt cheese

me: taint butter

3:48 PM Yes yes~

More!

Pele: fat lady sweat

me: The dump!

Pele: Blister or blisters.

me: Seaweed forests

Pele: Blister of Blisters!

hey - those are nice

me: Dick Cheney's old-man diapers.

Pele: I love seaweed.

Gross.

3:49 PM me: They smell a little gross tho/

Pele: Yeah...like

dead fish.

Miso

Left in the Fridge

and Freezer burned

3:50 PM me: Ewwww

Pele: Dandruff fallen in your shoes and mashed.

snot rockets

You're losing.

3:51 PM me: It's all too good.

Pele: Old man's rotty breath.

3:52 PM me: Eel sex

Pele: Second hand smoke stuck to your clothes.

Is it?

me: Rotting raw meat juices.

Pele: gah!

3:53 PM Animal carcass under the floor boards.

me: I've heard that's only gross for a little bit.

3:54 PM Pele: Cocoa pebbles.

me: Mmmm

Wait

Do breakfast cereals count?

Pele: Who's counting?

3:55 PM me: Talk dirty to me

Pele: Oh, I am!

old flower water...

3:56 PM me: The Osmand family's parents' bedroom

Pele: fish paste

3:57 PM me: Taco Bell's kitchen bathroom after a staff party.

Pele: roach nest

We're in sync!

me: More baby!

Yeah baby!

3:58 PM Afterbirth cocktails

Pele: Dog poo, eaten by a dog, and vomited, and re-eaten.

3:59 PM What have you done!

me: Botched colonoscopy

4:00 PM Pele: Trumpet spit-valve

Cloaca

4:01 PM cloaca 69!

me: Ooh

4:02 PM Pele: owl pellet on a stick

4:03 PM me: Poo

Poo-Poo

Poo-Poo Platter

Pele: Deep fried poo-poo-poo

4:04 PM me: On a platter

4:05 PM Pele: Monkeys are dirty.

me: People are monkeys.

4:06 PM Pele: The scuz floating on the top.

Yes we aer.

4:07 PM me: Republicans masterbating to photographs of Palin children.

Don't go there./

Pele: Aaaaaaaaaaah

You went in that door!

4:08 PM You got out at that exit!

me: Oh no, it's too late.

4:09 PM Pele: James McGroady Gross

4:12 PM me: This has been instructional.

Pele: Plastic surgery bandages.

me: He he

Pele: Used ones.

5 minutes

4:18 PM me: You disgust me.

Paula: You asked for it.

Abdul-a guy I used to work for at the bluestone bistro. The man appreciated a fine lady-booty almost as much as James. "damn, look at that ass!"

Woolly Mammoths will Inherit The Earth

Go SEE AL HURRICANE AND AL HURRICANE JR. TONIGHT! (yesterday) AT ISLETA CASINO, VERY CLOSE TO ALBUQUERQUE.


TOMORROW (today) WE WAKE TO THE BROTHERHOOD OF WOOLLY MAMMOTHS.

don't forget to click on the pictures.

www.itwaslost.org New Years Resolutions

I have been thinking hard about how to make 2009 a super special year. It has often been noted that slight changes in behavior can have major long-reaching consequences. There's no better time than during Berkeley, California's cold dark winters to attempt to improve ourselves. If other itwaslost.org contributers wish to edit this blog-post & add more resolutions, I invite you to make it an open discussion.

-Stop going to see movies starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. I don't know why I kept making that mistake in 2008.
-Throw a mint julep party. I have a humongous bottle of Maker's Mark hidden in my apartment, which I bought a long time ago to throw a fabulous mint julep party. Why haven't I done this yet?
-Homeless people make me uncomfortable. I think I'm going to stay the course on this one.
-Pay more attention to ladies' butts. You ladies don't get enough credit for your butts. Occasionally, I hope to notify a lady if she has something special.
-Drink more beverages out of tall glasses. A tall glass of water. A tall glass of juice.
-Sing more hymnody in small groups.
-Date more white girls.
-There are several cocktails I wish to invent. Specifically, my idea for the Long Thailand Iced Tea, which would involve some combination of sweetened condensed milk, iced tea, & all the booze in Long Island.
-Jesus Christ walked on American Soil.
-Write a Text Message Novel. This has already started, more on that anon, but I would like to see this project thru.
-Female Professional Midget Wrestlers.
-616 Blog Posts. You probably saw this coming. That's like two a day. Are we up to it? The mathematical gods demand it.
-A new format for this website. I'd like it to be more magazine style, like the Huffington Post, with different sections, like Fashion & Architecture. We are looking at the horizon of greatness.