Girlfriend Doggerel: I. Fontelyn Brotemy

Fontelyn Brotemy

A girl called Fontelyn Brotemy was my lover in 2010,

She had legs that went all the way down to the floor,

She was easy to please, but she was also easy to bore,

And she knew me as well as she had known plenty men.

I would rather have Fontelyn Brotemy than none at all.

I once asked her if she dreamt in color when she dozed,

And she told me she couldn’t see anything with her eyes closed,

And then she tied me down & did naughty things with a snake's rattle.

I took Fontelyn Brotemy to Ohio to meet my parents.

They asked her why she had dropped out of nursing school,

And she told them she believed in the golden rule,

And since no one had ever nursed her, she couldn't be bothered to care for patients.

I would rather have Fontelyn Brotemy than an open flesh-wound.

She brushed her teeth five times a day to fight off plaque,

And she had curves like an ATV race track.

She liked to role-play as Ahab & Moby Dick, & be repeatedly harpooned.

I took Fontelyn Brotemy to Rome to meet the Pope.

He asked her if she always met the leaders of world religions wearing a bikini,

And she told the Pope, I wanted you to fully see me.

She left Rome with a decent tan & a purse full of the hotel’s complementary soap.

I would rather have Fontelyn Brotemy than a bottle of Fernet.

When she left me for a Republican Congressman from Utah,

I asked her if she had used me for my oom-pah-pah,

And she told me keep my tuba in tune: I hadn’t heard the last of her yet.

Art by Olaf Mary from www.liamgolden.com

Itwaslost GOOGLY SEARCH TERMS 2011

It's been a while since we've rounded up the search terms that led people to this blog. So without further ado, straight from our Statistical Department, is the top ten itwaslost-bound Google search terms:

1. curling jokes
2. firewhiskey recipe
3. michael jackson castration
4. purple flag
5. firewhiskey
6. itwaslost
7. famous non drivers
8. flag of the world
9. michael jackson castrat
10. black ram

In case you missed the significance, HOORAY! Michael Jackson's testicles are NO LONGER the top search idea leading people to this blog! (That and 'purple flag' were 1 & 2 for years.) That means, to give audiences what they want, we need to start producing more content about curling humor and Harry Potter recipes. Now, for fun, I went thru the long list and picked out the funniest search terms that led people here:

a hunks pennis
albino alligator for sale
ample mammaries
castracted the 14 tears old boy cause i love him so much
cloud fat woman shape
dirtiest panties
drinking corn whiskey
girls taking hookah pictures
great white marijuana sewer gator myth
grindelwald release a handkerchief
how to make corn likker
how to make corn liqueur
how to mix corn licquour
james welsch porn
man on manatee
rhymes with smurfs
shocking gelded men pics
song socks with sandals
the dirtiest panties ever
vapid innocuous euphemisms
very preggo
we found it .org
"dugong jokes"
"get a fucking job is all"
"giant tree trunk piece of ass"

Those are all culled from only the last month. This website has written about such a wide range of strange topics over the years, it's always surprising to see what people are out there looking for, and hopefully we helped them find it. M.M.M. suggested that "Man on Manatee" be the name of the next album for The Manna Tease. I love the concept of "corn liqueur." If we figure out how to make it, you'll read it here first. Also, I'm psyched that people are finding this website from searching for words that rhyme with 'smurf.' Good morning!

Happy Twenty-Ten, Blogosphere

We didn't quite make our goal (616 posts in 2009, double from the 308 in 2008), despite Grainne's valiant New Year's Eve marathon posting of Young Werner Herzog, his Bulgarious political party narration & other videos. I propose we don't attempt 1232 posts in 2010 - where will it end!? I've been down with a stomach flu all week, but still made it out for Balkan dancing with Brass Menazeri at Berkeley's Ashkenaz, after a roast goose dinner with a dozen good friends. Waking up feeling healthier than the last year is a good omen for the new decade.

And yes it is the New Decade. The first century started at Year One. The second century started at year 100. The first century was only 99 years, because there was no year Zero. This was a solution to the obnoxious 2000/2001 problem, a solution posed by an autistic child (according to Stephen Jay Gould), & the more I think about it, the more I think it's the only right way.

It's also the Tweens, the Obama era, the end of the Naughty Aughties, & an optimistic time for the players of the world. Also for the haters thereof.

The Naughties End - The Tweens Begin

While there's a raging debate about what to call this decade - the New York Times solicited catchy tags from readers here - has anyone noticed that the next decade will also pose a problem: teenage years don't start until 2013. So I heartily welcome the Tweens, which, according to my research into preteenism, begin at 10. A portmanteau, the wikipedia tells us "Tween is an American neologism and marketing term for preteen. A blend of between and teen, tween in this context is generally considered to cover the age range from eight to twelve years." So, by different definitions, we're either hot in the middle of the Tweens, transitioning into them, or drunk on Tween eve - whatever the rate of this decade's preadolescence. It's true that the Obama era, in all effect, came on in 2008, & eras don't always line up perfectly with even numbers. (The twentieth century, for instance, didn't really get started until The Rite of Spring & World War I, & end until September 2001 or November 2008 depending on your political leanings.)

Back to the 2000's, I was just remarking to Miss Anna Greenberg that "It says a lot for our culture that we've been living thru it for ten years & haven't really started to call it anything. How can half a billion English speakers just tiptoe around the issue for ten years!" She responded: "how can we call it something when it hasn't ended yet!" That's true, but it's an issue that's periodically come up in the periodicals. I've always favored the naughties, or the naughty-aughties. (This year would be called "Two-naughty-aughty-nine" or "Two-naughty-naughty-nine," as I say in the MC Pseudo-Dionysius song Hillelujah.) We'll see what sticks, or if people will just eternally say "that decade".

UPDATE: I say, in celebration of the breaking dawn of the Tweens, celebrate by going out to see New Dawn! It's hard to predict the future, but easy to say with certainty that the tweens are characterized by Twilight, Twitter, Obama, tea parties, Glee, & of course itwaslost artists & writers. L'Chaim! Наздравици!

(The art at the top is classic Olaf Mary college-era whales-standing-up, two-naughty-aughty-four.)