Showing posts with label Lizard People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lizard People. Show all posts

April 05, 2011

Itwaslost GOOGLY SEARCH TERMS 2011

It's been a while since we've rounded up the search terms that led people to this blog. So without further ado, straight from our Statistical Department, is the top ten itwaslost-bound Google search terms:

1. curling jokes
2. firewhiskey recipe
3. michael jackson castration
4. purple flag
5. firewhiskey
6. itwaslost
7. famous non drivers
8. flag of the world
9. michael jackson castrat
10. black ram

In case you missed the significance, HOORAY! Michael Jackson's testicles are NO LONGER the top search idea leading people to this blog! (That and 'purple flag' were 1 & 2 for years.) That means, to give audiences what they want, we need to start producing more content about curling humor and Harry Potter recipes. Now, for fun, I went thru the long list and picked out the funniest search terms that led people here:

a hunks pennis
albino alligator for sale
ample mammaries
castracted the 14 tears old boy cause i love him so much
cloud fat woman shape
dirtiest panties
drinking corn whiskey
girls taking hookah pictures
great white marijuana sewer gator myth
grindelwald release a handkerchief
how to make corn likker
how to make corn liqueur
how to mix corn licquour
james welsch porn
man on manatee
rhymes with smurfs
shocking gelded men pics
song socks with sandals
the dirtiest panties ever
vapid innocuous euphemisms
very preggo
we found it .org
"dugong jokes"
"get a fucking job is all"
"giant tree trunk piece of ass"
Those are all culled from only the last month. This website has written about such a wide range of strange topics over the years, it's always surprising to see what people are out there looking for, and hopefully we helped them find it. M.M.M. suggested that "Man on Manatee" be the name of the next album for The Manna Tease. I love the concept of "corn liqueur." If we figure out how to make it, you'll read it here first. Also, I'm psyched that people are finding this website from searching for words that rhyme with 'smurf.' Good morning!

November 02, 2010

Election Day Endorsements Part 2: Oh, shit, man, what time is it, did the polls already close?

It's probably too late to make proper endorsements, half-way thru election day, since so many people vote early in California anyway. I'm nervous about the fate of Prop 19, which has been behind in the polls, & could be the last realistic time for awhile to end prohibition. The bloggers for itwaslost are more champagne drinkers & hookah smokers, not cannabis connoisseurs, but there's been a lot of good arguments everywhere why Prop 19 benefits the whole state, not just those who ever plan on smoking some pot legally. Former San Jose Police Chief Joseph McNamara has been campaigning from a law enforcement angle, he's written some good editorials & stars in this tv ad:




I also really liked the sound arguments laid down by the New York Times' Nicholas Krystof:

[...]Our nearly century-long experiment in banning marijuana has failed as abysmally as Prohibition did, and California may now be pioneering a saner approach. Sure, there are risks if California legalizes pot. But our present drug policy has three catastrophic consequences.

First, it squanders billions of dollars that might be better used for education. California now spends more money on prisons than on higher education. It spends about $216,000 per year on each juvenile detainee, and just $8,000 on each child in the troubled Oakland public school system.

Each year, some 750,000 Americans are arrested for possession of small amounts of marijuana. Is that really the optimal use of our police force?

In contrast, legalizing and taxing marijuana would bring in substantial sums that could be used to pay for schools, libraries or early childhood education. A Harvard economist, Jeffrey A. Miron, calculates that marijuana could generate $8.7 billion in tax revenue each year if legalized nationally, while legalization would also save the same sum annually in enforcement costs.

That’s a $17 billion swing in the nation’s finances — enough to send every 3- and 4-year-old in a poor family to a high-quality preschool. And that’s an investment that would improve education outcomes and reduce crime and drug use in the future — with enough left over to pay for an extensive nationwide campaign to discourage drug use.

The second big problem with the drug war is that it has exacerbated poverty and devastated the family structure of African-Americans. Partly that’s because drug laws are enforced inequitably. Black and Latino men are much more likely than whites to be stopped and searched and, when drugs are found, prosecuted.

Here in Los Angeles, blacks are arrested for marijuana possession at seven times the rate whites are, according to a study by the Drug Policy Alliance, which favors legalization. Yet surveys consistently find that young whites use marijuana at higher rates than young blacks.

Partly because of drug laws, a black man now has a one-in-three chance of serving time in prison at some point in his life, according to the Sentencing Project, a group that seeks reform in the criminal justice system. This makes it more difficult for black men to find jobs, more difficult for black women to find suitable husbands, and less common for black children to grow up in stable families with black male role models. So, sure, drugs have devastated black communities — but the remedy of criminal sentencing has made the situation worse.

He continues with more about crime and gangs and pot's risks.
There's also a really compelling environmental reason which not many people are discussing. It goes something along the lines of: Grow houses use a disgusting amount of electricity & water, much of it pirated from the grid. Let's let the sun do the work growing the state's pot! And if you don't believe there's untold thousands of grow houses peppered around California in every neighborhood, then there's some oregano in a baggy I'd like to sell you.
And lastly, a word about the opposition. Take for instance the wording of the Los Angeles Times' "No" endorsement: "The marijuana legalization measure is poorly thought out, badly crafted and replete with loopholes and contradictions." This is just something its opponents have made up, to make it sound like it was written by irresponsible stoners, knowing most of us aren't political enough to read the details of the bill ourselves. Exactly the opposite is true. The San Francisco Chronicle's Debra J Saunders wrote:

The establishment spin goes something like this: Even if marijuana legalization makes sense, Prop. 19 is so poorly written that voters must reject it.

Bunk. The measure is tightly written to give state and local governments unimpeded authority in deciding whether to allow the sale of marijuana, and if so, how to tax and regulate it.

There won't be a better bill. Marijuana prohibition enables and enriches criminal cartels and gangs. Californians have a chance to end the madness, and voters should grab it.

As for the Stoners Against 19 campaign, led by Dragonfly Whatshername, I don't even want to respond to them. It's naive! When you weigh, on one side, decriminalizing something millions of people do safely, versus, on the other side, things are fine as they are & omg what if tobacco companies want to sell pot!? then there's just no contest. Sure, having millions on non-criminals smoking pot illegally is a copacetic status quo. If you're white.

August 30, 2010

Drink of the Day: Salamander Brandy

I was just trying to research what the hell "salamander brandy" is, & also, could it possibly be possible to get it in California? Apparently it's illegal because of animal cruelty, although this website says it's legal in Slovenia but impossible to export & still difficult to get a hold of without the correct contacts.

"How do they make the brandy? There are several different methods. The simplest is to take two salamanders (live), toss into a barrel of autumn fermenting fruits, leave for a month and then distil. The sophisticated method is to pour the warm, freshly distilled brandy over the salamanders (one lizard for every five litres of brandy), collect the results in a suitable vessel and then drink. The X factor is the poisonous mucus the salamander gives off to frighten away its predators."

It's an aphrodisiac that's been used since the middle ages & it's effects are supposed to be kind of a cross between acid & ecstasy.

"... a traditional medieval method of getting in touch with your deeper sexual feelings - and getting off your face in the process. The erotic charge of the drink is powerful, but tends to be indiscriminate in its target, so that anything in the natural world can become sexually attractive - trees, plants, animals or even humans.

[...] To quote Macbeth's coven:
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth, boil and bubble. In the Middle Ages, salamander brandy was certainly used to conjure up and exorcise demons, and the area around Skofja Loka where the brew is found had an unusually high proportion of tried witches. But the salamander is not all bad; it is also the sign of the alchemist. Its ability to walk unharmed through extreme heat or fire led the creature to become a symbol of self-restraint, chastity and purity, metaphorically surviving the temptations and rigours of red-hot earthly pleasures."

Please contact this blog immediately if anyone has connections in California!

A few suggestions for American brand names:
Salabrandy!
Brandymander!

April 24, 2010

Ballad of Joe "The Rat" (or, "Fart of Darkness") Singer, and setting the stage for rampage.



What a panic's in Joe the Rat's breast: He's first at being worst,
The little coward, cute in spite of his acute cussedness,
His iron smile's a magnet for fists,
His FBI file's filed in the slits in his wrists,
He's lost his sandals--, it's like he's lost in Jesus' hearse--,
But with a cup of splenda-sweetened coffee, he feels quite reimbursed.

I met Joe the Rat at the Princeton Graduation Parade,
Dressed in a Paisley orange-and-black sports jacket,
His silhouette was like Mohammad,
His brunette girlfriend drinking anisette
In the Jersey sunshine. I asked him if he was afraid
Of the Pine Barrens, and he asked me if I was getting paid.



In Late May before the beaches are cleaned up--,
(I'm a robot on a planet of toe mold and plastic bottles) --,
A plastic detector can detect synthetic turtles.
She leaves her egg on Neptune, and waddles
Into the Atlantic Ocean: And Joe the Rat, too crooked to be corrupt,
Like a Panjandrum of the filth, makes an omelet out of her abandoned pup.

I met Joe the Rat at a nasty bar literally underneath the turn-pipe.
Splendor! Splenetic and waspish, there wasn't one free bar stool,
So I sat on the floor in a pool of someone's drool,
He splenda-sweetened voice was measured but cruel,
When he asked me if I would like his seat, his squinty glance like a sniper's snipe,
And in wafted odors from the Natural Flavoring factories which smelled exactly like pickled honeycomb tripe.



What a panic's in Joe the Rat's breast: now the scandal's broken, too,
The little coward blames the gossip industry
For shopping for more than it can stir-fry,
And petty fogs more ostentatious than actually costly.
Now the scandal's broken--, he's lost his bus token, too--,
It's like he's lost beneath Jesus' noose, among the choken few.

I met Joe the Rat nude in an antique store,
And asked him if the conspiracy goes all the way to the top, and fast:
What do you want? his brunette girlfriend asked,
And told me that the first shall be the last:
Every valley shall be exalted, but wait, there's more,
And then she grabbed onto Joe's tail and they scurried into a hole in the floor.


March 02, 2010

Department of Five Word Poems: xviii.

95.
I laughed till it hurt.
-F. Keith Wahle
xviii.
The Mastadonians conspiring against me.
________________________________________________________________________________

April 22, 2009

Earf People Day

In the early days of this weblog, I wrote about Nonviolent Nondriving, my tiny personal movement to not drive a car. Since cars kill more than wars, nondriving is inherently nonviolent. (More people die in Israel from car accidents than from violence. In the US, we kill around forty thousand people a year in car accidents, compared to around two thousand firearm deaths.) ANYWAY, not to mention pollution. Happy Earf Day Earf People & Lizard People! New York to California! 


We just noticed that Brains Aha!, our Sports & Leisure correspondent, has been covertly blogging also at a website called carfreeusa.blogspot.com, which is about many things, but principally about a carfree USA. A few days ago he posted this link to my facebooks wall:

People have been pushing to turn Berkeley's pedestrian-busy Telegraph Avenue into something akin to Cornmarket Street in Oxford, England - buses & lorries okay, there's no reason to have a personal car on it. Parts of Berkeley, like most of Oxford, is just too damned complicated to drive around in anyway, not to mention parking. Also not to mention pollution, & societies & communities ripped apart by car roads.

Also for Earth Day, I recommend this Huffington Post post, a list of statistics about livestock's impact on the environment. Remember it takes six pounds of grain to make one pound of meat, & eleven times as much fossil fuel.

So today I inaugurate itwaslost.org's Department of Nonviolent Nondriving, as part of our larger Imaginary American anti-Lizard People initiative spearheading.

February 16, 2009

The Sad Narrative of the Big-Ass Beard on that Rutherford B. Hayes


Happy Presidents' Day! It is too infrequently noted that we pay too too little attention to our leaders in this country. How about a little reverence for our great presidents once & awhile! The slick new whitehouse.gov website has a fancy feature with a SLIDESHOW of the 44 presidents, they are even kind enough to crop off the tops of their foreheads for our convenience. I wanted to combine all of the things we love on this blog - Lizard People, Presidents, Beards, Fashion, & History - into one spectacular historical doggerel poem in honor of bearded lizard presidents. Kowtow to us, & spend a few moments this Presidents' Day to learn about democratic leadership.

The Sad Narrative of the Big-Ass Beard on that Rutherford B. Hayes

There once was a man named Rutherford Hayes,
A metrosexual, he shaved three times a days,
Like a baby's butt, soft as a vagina,
You could ride that wave from California to Carolina,
And he knew if he rubbed it in just the right place,
He would grow up to be elected the President of the United States.

Now one day he was walking thru the amber maize,
That gay savant known as Rudy Be Hayes,
And he came across a humble wasp called Twitty van Titt,
Let me tell you about this Twitty, he was full of monkey shit,
A bumble in appearance, but inside an evil sorcerer.
All yellow & fuzzy, he was envious of Rutherford's virgin face,
The type of chihuahua pate, if you rubbed in just the right place,
It could be stamped on the currency of the United States.

That jealous Twitty van Titt, summoned all the spirits of the days,
And placed a huge curse on the face of Rutherford B. Hayes,
He could shave it twenty times with the sharpest of razors,
But his beard would grow thicker than a NASA space shuttle.
You need a 4-D map to get out of the jungle on that lengthy face,
And you'll never grow up to be elected the President of the United States.

But Rudy Be Hayes was a gay little turnip,
And had saved for the fates a few
gay little tricks,
So when he ran against Sam Tilden in 1876,
The New York Governor, with his feminine cheeks,
Won the popular vote, but was caught in the lady's lavatory huffing a whippet,
And despite the buzzing voodoo of Twitty Van Titt,
Rutherford ushered in an age of wild bearded Presidents,
Garfield & Cleveland & Arthur & Harrison,
Men of action & courage, history written bold across their pates,
Bearded & handsome, & honored forever as Presidents of the United States.

December 30, 2008

Inter-office Memo: A Few New Items

We have seven or so more posts in thirty-something hours to reach our stentorian goal of 308 posts in 2008. I've added a couple of things to the sidebar - 1) an easy link for people to get the feed (if you use any of the services to follow blogs, et cetera). 2) I've replaced the "labels" catergories with "DEPARTMENTS", so now we can tag our posts any wild combination of relevant words & not clog up the "labels" part. Also, I think tagging things like "Al Franken" helps the search engines, (but keep tagging musical items "music" & shisha items "shisha" so that we can develop those general interest category sites, yes.) Some DEPARTMENTS we will be further developing in 2009: -Imaginary America (basically anywhere that isn't South-West Virginia where real Americans live), -The Dead (Olaf Mary's fascinating series on obituaries), -Lizard People (a peek into the lives of the lacertic humanoids that humbly stay off the ballots & have to be written in.) Thirdly, there's the creepy "followers" section below, if you wish to make yourself known publicly as a follower of this blog. Do it!

December 19, 2008

Lizard People / Lacertic Humanoids / Dagastani / With a Z & the Pet-Shop Boys

I love this photo of the infamous "Lizard People" ballot, one of the Fifteen Hundred or so contested during the Minnesota recount. The Wikipedia redirects "Lizard People" to "Reptilian Humanoid", where, under politics, besides the Al Franken issue, there was one other lacertic entrance into the campaign: "During a provincial election in Ontario, Canada on September 12, 2003, the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario disseminated a press release describing Ontario Liberal Party opposition leader Dalton McGuinty as an 'Evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet'" The Wikipedia entry for "Evil Reptilian Kitten-Eater from Another Planet" was kind enough to post that tiny picture of Candidate McGuinty holding a kitten.

Here's two more groovy videos for the "staying in Berkeley drinking forties alone" demographic this Holiday Season: The first one posted by Miss Peng on Facebook, where she no
tes "Sloane from Ferris Bueller is Dagestani?"



The second is Liza Minelli singing Stephen Sondheim's "Losing My Mind" to some bizarre 80s beat. Sondheim's ambiguous chords sort of translate well into the Eno Era, (better than poor Liza).




There's a sneak peak of my Nutcracker gospel here - as soon as I find a place that doesn't charge $5 a page to scan, I'll post this song's shape note score, as well as my Virgin Mary tune, before Christmas hopefully.