Ultimate Corn Whiskey Mix: "How to Make Corn Liquor" - Exclusive Special Mix Tape Was Lost

With pride & after much deliberation, this blog returns to the mix universe with a masterpiece, the most excellent corn liquor mix imaginable of all time. Even if you do not have access to good American moonshine, it should also be one of the finest mixes for bourbon drinking or for frustrating morning commutes.

(Listen to it by clicking on the play button right there....)

Please download the full mp3 free here.

PS: If you're not averse to the whiskey tax, I strongly recommend the Platte Valley Corn Whiskey from Weston, Missouri, pictured above. I don't know how widely it's available, but I found a jug for sale at Monument Liquors in Concord, California. Healthy amounts aided the creation of this mix.

Two Sarah Lawrence Boys Walk into a Sports Bar

It has been great catching some minutes of the World Cup’s group phase with the blog’s editor-in-chief. How do nerds discuss the games? With Nate Silver’s predictions and The Guardian’s analyses, for example. And S. Sandrigon has a vintage Côte d'Ivoire jersey. Zut alors!

Here’s something for discussion. This year’s ball is very sexy. But, like most hotties, it doesn’t perform very well.

Courtesy of the New York Times:

“In constantly refining the ball – making it worse, many players claim – Adidas stays in pursuit of making a sleeker version. In 1970, the Adidas ball had 32 panels. By World Cup 1990, it had been reduced to 20 panels. In 2006, down to 14. And now there's the Jabulani, as it's called, with just 8 panels.

The effect? Less excitement. In 1970, the World Cup had an average of 3.0 goals per game. It was down to 2.2 in 1990, 2.3 in 2006, and it was 1.6 this year through the tournament's first week.”

I personally think 2010 has been very exciting. Low-scoring games are the best. But I've been watching soccer longer than the average NYT journalist, perhaps.

Dear Leader personally scores against Brasil!

Brazil v. North Korea yesterday was considered the biggest mismatch of the world cup, so it was good to see the underdogs score at least one goal. In celebration, here's one of their finest patriotic songs (& this video has good english subtitles & North Korean images.)

Brazil's two are followed by North Korea's unlikely goal:

Ballad of the Three Old Black Men with White Asses

Three old black men were sitting in the corner pub

Watching racquetball on a huge television. I turned to my wife and questioned her,

"When did old black men start watching that game? not to mention their

"Hefeweisens & their strange manner

"Of singing along to 'Tiny Dancer?'"

She told me not to be racist, & all blood is ancient blood.

Your peccadilloes are showing--, as you ride into the sunset

On your albino donkeys. I'll forget your peccadilloes

If you'll forgive me what I've done to the rhythms in the easier Jazzes.

There's time for redheads to experience my prurience,

And time to fast & fence in your densest penance.

You have sinned against Warren Buffet's family, in ways you can't even know yet.

Three old black men were disembarking a U.F.O. wearing white hot pants,

I watched them from my home on a huge television, & turned to my wife & asked her,

If their menthol cigarettes make the shuttle go faster?

She told me there's no place for racists

In an age of face-lifts & space-ships,

And she reminded me that all grafted plants are fancy transplants.

Your peccadilloes are showing--, as you fly towards Uranus

Faster than light-speed on your albino space-donkeys. I'll forget your pecadilloes,

If you'll forgive the time I painted pink your daughter's pussy willows.

This planet is feeling a general malaise,

And in these times we turn to outerspace

To ignite our spirits--, you struggle, but you also have sinned in tiny ways most heinous.

Three old black men were hanging out in the gardens of Babylon--,

I am going home today in the narrow gospel way. Like an alternate life,

As they lay their harps down & lament upon demand, I comment to my wife,

"If their song would be so beautiful,

"If their lot were not so pitiful?"

She told me not to be racist, & all spawn is ancient spawn.

Your peccadilloes are showing--, & so are your designer boxers.

Let my tongue stick to roof of my mouth when I eat peanut butter sandwiches,

And I'll forget your pecadilloes if you let me scratch my last lost racist itches.

Gird up your loins & pull up your pants,

All grafted plants are fancy transplants.

You might as well disappear into the setting sun on your albino donkeys: we're at the mercies of God's reimbursers.

Sexting List: "of places we still need to fornicate this summer," Part Two: 61-100

The second & final installment of my series of text messages sent to my friend (with artwork from a drawing she left lying around my house.)

List of places we still need to fornicate this summer

61) Graveyard,

62) Crematorium,

63) Columbarium,

64) Dance floor,

65) Wells Fargo Wagon,

66) Mount Olympus,

[At this point, she texts me "thata 'umber 70". There was a lost text message containing her entrées for 65-69, which I received later but will include here.]

65) Broadway,

66) The Pound,

67) Safeway,

68) Academy of Sciences,

69) On a real red wagon,

67) Fortress of Solitude

68) Grant's Tomb,

69) The sky,

70) The sea,

71) The countryside,

72) The Hanging Gardens of Babylon,

73) The Leaning Tower of Pisa,

74) Calvary,

75) David's Temple,

76) Hell,

77) In the music video for "Whoomp! There It Is"

78) In the powder room,

79) The WC,

80) In the can,

81) The little girls' room,

82) The john,

83) Circus,

84) Library,

85) Bus,

86) Third rail of the G Train. The G Train, Nermal!

87) Abu Dhabi, Nermal!

88) In the closet,

89) Facebook,

90) MySpace,

91) Friendster,

92) Napster,

93) AOL,

94) Inside,

95) Outside,

96) Baseball diamond,

97) The docks,

98) The ceiling,

99) Outland,

100) The far side.

Part One, 1-60, here.

The Last Antique Cigar-Box Girl!

Art: This man has illustrated every page of Gravity's Rainbow

Speaking of quixotic Pynchon projects, this artist Zak Smith has created an illustration for every page of Gravity's Rainbow. (That's a dense, difficult 760 page postmodern novel, often displayed unread on college dorm room book shelves.) Here's Mr Smith's writer's statement:

So I illustrated Gravity's Rainbow-- nobody asked me to, but I did it anyway. Most of the pictures are drawings-- ink on whatever paper was lying around, but there are also paintings (acrylic), photos I took, and experimental photographic processes. I tried to illustrate the passages as literally as possible-- if the book says there was a green Spitfire, I drew a green Spitfire. Mostly, I tried to make a series of pictures as dense, intricate, and rich as the prose in the book. The entire project was shown in the Whitney Museum's 2004 Biennial Exhibition of Contemporary Art and is now in the permanent collection of the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis.

The index for the illustrations is here. For instance, page 666 is called "a chess bishop if you have seen him, running across the wet meadows in very early morning, with his red vestments furling and fluttering .a barbecue...got married...the lights failed...electrical tidal wave...a ceilingful of sooty, sterile eggs...lightning bolts...a whispering silhouette...homosexual prison-camp inmates."

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #48

R. Kelly's Sign of a Victory

R. Kelly's song is the official anthem of the World Cup 2010 in South Africa, and it definitely needs some close inspection. What was that about global warming in there? It has a strange snare-drummy yet quasi-African beat. And that key change! According to the Huffington Post, he said "It's definitely no doubt a humanity song, and I'm hoping that everybody feels the same way when they hear it. [I'm] hoping they can be as touched by it as I was when I heard it in my head."

Sexting List: "of places we still need to fornicate this summer," Part One: 1-60

This was sent as a series of dozens of text messages to my girl earlier today. Spaces demarcate a new text - - It followed a reference to a lyric in R. Kelly's song "Echo", "Sex in the morning / Sex all day," as an attempt at oneupmanship. She supplied the artwork.

List of places we still need to fornicate this summer:

1) Your car,

2) A barn

3) In a forest,

4) Abattoir,

5) Outer space,

6) Prison,

7) Underground,

8) Zeppelin,

9) Top of a skyscraper,

10) Madhouse,

11) Cheap motel in New Mexico,

12) The White House,

13) Mel Gibson's backyard,

[At this point, she texts me "i'm peeing my trousers"]

14) Macy's,

15) JC Penny's,

16) A radio station,

17) High up in a redwood tree,

18) Cave,

19) Desert,

20) Your boss's bed,

21) My boss's bed,

22) On the internet,

23) In cyberspace.

24) Online,

25) Sexting,

26) The moon,

27) Uranus,

28) Middle ages,

29) The Renaissance,

30) The Enlightenment,

31) The future,

[At this point, she texts me "ooooh! cue julia child squeal"]

32) In Julia Child's kitchen

33) In the beginning,

34) In media res,

35) Happily ever after,

36) On the battlefield of love,

[She contributed the next six]

37) On the lincoln memorial,

38) On the pieta,

39) On tour,

40) On a boat,

41) On a plastic bag island,

42) On mel gibsons chopper parked in his backyard,

[At this point, I text back "Mmm, yes please"]

43) Kurdistan

44) Boys' locker room,

44) The arctic,

45) The antarctic,

46) The anti-antarctic,

47) On the Disneyland tea-cup ride,

48) In animal costumes,

49) In sports mascot costumes,

50) In Mel Gibson's hovercraft,

51) On a desert island,

53) On a dessert island,

54) In a museum at night,

54) In a museum at noon,

55) At the beach at high tide,

56) At the beach at low tide,

57) Invisible,

58) In the road,

59) In a subway tunnel,

60) In a Subway restaurant,

To be continued...

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #47

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #46

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #45

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #44

The Mimosas' Witnesses Presents: The Late Rue McClanahan's Wild Night In

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #43

New Odyssey (Young woman, Go West)

New Odyssey (Young Woman, Go West)

Disneyland Queue

I dreamt early this morning about a card game / concept minimalist piece, designed to be played by musicians waiting at dawn to get into an amusement park. It should be performed by four or five instrumentalists (not singers) with instruments of roughly the same loudness (i.e., no horns paired with unamplified ukuleles).

Each musician plays a note designated by which card he plays. He plays that same note over and over with free, improvised rubato rhythms, until it is his turn to play another card. He fades the last note out, plays his card, takes another card from the deck into his hand, and begins to play the note designated by the card he just played. (Whether or not he only plays the note in a single octave, or jumps around, is up to the performers.)

The details of the card game, which I found confusing in my dream, may evolve a bit once we've tinkered with the details.

The deck, including jokers, is shuffled and each musician is dealt five cards. Each player always has five cards in his hand, replenishing one from the deck once they've played their new card, until the deck runs out.

The note-designations for each card:

Ace - A

2 - B

3 - C

4 - D

5 - E

6 - F

7 - G

8 - A

9 - B

10 - C

J - D

Q - E

K - F

Joker - any black note of the player's choice.

Any player with an ace of any suit goes first and begins to play an A. (If no one has an ace, the youngest player plays their lowest card.) If anyone has the card of the same suit three steps above the card played (or a musical fourth), they must go next. (I presume non-verbal eye contact is the best way to communicate whether anyone has the necessary card.) So, if the first player plays the Ace of Hearts, and someone has the 4 of Hearts, he will play it and he will begin to play a D. (The first player continues to play the A until it is his turn again.) If no one has that card, the player to the left (clockwise) can play any card he pleases. Then, again, if anyone has a card of the same suit exactly three cards higher (or a musical fourth, with the occasional tritone.) Ace is both high and low, and the entire scale is circular, so if a player plays a Queen of Spades (an E) the next card played would be three higher, the 2 of Spades (a B) which in these cases will be a musical fifth. Again, if no one has this card because it has already been played or because it is still in the deck, the player to the left can play any card he wants. (Don't forget to draw a new card from the deck into your hand before your start playing your note, because it might be harder to replenish your hand once you've started playing.) A joker can be any sharp or flat note, after which the player to the left goes next.

This piece can be performed as leisurely as the performers choose - they can wait many minutes between turns, or hurry thru the fifty-four cards in real time. It is up to whoever's turn it is to decide how fast he wants to change notes. Obviously, the piece is over when every card has been played, and the musicians may either stop together, one at a time, or fade out.

The dynamics and style of performing your repeated notes are left entirely up to the group and individual players. I think the duration of each note should constantly vary, in a sort of rhythmless rubato, and avoid pulsing deliberately with the other performers.

It's called "Disneyland Queue" because it was designed, in my dream, to be an entertainment / diversion while waiting in line to get into an amusement part. This was the title from the dream, so I figure I should stick with it. However, it can be played anywhere for any reason, of course, not necessarily in a parking lot in Anaheim.

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #42

Antique Cigar-Box Girl #41