Quotes: Louis C.K. Analyzes Why Fart Humor is Funny

We apologize, once again, for a reduced quantity of blogging over the past few months, and general decrease since the golden years of itwaslost. (It's been a bit busy over here, & other contributors have many other exciting projects going on.) However, to ease back into more regular serious bloggifying, I wanted to start with Louis C.K.'s amazing analysis about fart humor from last night's Daily Show with Jon Stewart: "Let's break down a fart for a second," he said, and then listed on his finger:

1. It comes out of your ass.
2. It smells like poop because it's been hanging out next to it for a long time.
3. And it makes a little trumpet noise when it comes out.

He then summed up, "You don't have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to." Stewart made some comment that most explanations of jokes strip the joke of its comedy, but this one only enhanced and deepened the understanding of the phenomenon. I propose that this should be published as an appendix to Sigmund Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the Unconscious" (Der Witz und seine Beziehung zum Unbewußten, 1905), which I've been told contains many unfunny jokes.

More Thanksgiving Thoughts from Bob Saget

Thank you, Huffington Post, for this "Why I Love Thanksgiving" essay by Bob Saget:

Thanksgiving is a time of family. A time of reflection. A time of giving. And a time of stuffing. It is a time when a man or woman, sometimes a slightly intoxicated man or woman, crams their butter-coated hand into a turkey's butt. [...]

I don't mean to be crass. Technically, it's not actually the turkey's butt. It's more of his 'back hole' -- or if I may be more detailed since my father was knowledgeable in the world of poultry, the turkey's 'two back holes' -- one larger 'back hole' that's really just the under side of the rib cage, and one above the turkey's hangy dangly thing that our family would cook, serve, and eat, but never discuss what it was exactly. When I was younger, my dad would joke with me that I should put that thing under my pillow and that night, the turkey butt fairy would come. I loved my dad more than anything but his sense of humor frightened me.

[...]

When I drive past a house during the holidays, and I see the smoke billowing out of a fireplace, I know, that inside that house, on that kitchen table, there's a turkey carcass, open-winged, open-legged, its body ripped apart and eaten by the entire family. If that turkey could talk, its last words would probably be, "I'll see you all in hell!! And which one of you ate my hangy dangly thing that used to be my ass!!"

weekly letter #2, written on Carte Postale #1, from J.H.W to G.F.M

"Stop Him!" & "Follow That Car!"

Go to a metropolitan park. When a bicyclist bikes by, perhaps shriek & yell "Stop him!!" Hopefully, three burly men will chase down the bike & tackle him. By this point, of course, you'll be long gone. (A scooter could help in your swift departure in the other direction.) The humor, which you can only imagine, is the baffled interaction between the helpful men & the cyclist. For safety, make sure you target a biker with protection, unlike this man setting a bad example:


A related prank is running up to & jumping in a taxi & yelling "Follow that car!" Hopefully the taxi driver will run red lights & cut off cars while changing lanes to keep up with whichever unsuspecting car you've targeted. Who knows, you might end up in New Jersey!

Curling Jokes

We have come East to Tahoe to sled, & the weather is a little nasty. There was some dramatic sledding this morning at the summit of Mount Rose Highway, I hope to eventually post our action sports photography, wearing our retro ski onesies. Last night, there was a long tournament at Nintendo Wii's Winter Sports, but we got stuck for an hour at the Curling, which baffled us both in operation & strategy. Today we spent awhile reading the history & rules on Wikipedia, but I think it's something you need to experience firsthand. My parents were at the curling at the Salt Lake City Olympics in 2002, & they said they really got into watching it. Mrs Eley-Nelson had me search for curling jokes, as it's a way to peer into a world, thru the humor, going over our head. One of the chat forums under "Rock Talk" at CurlingZone.com had many:

Is curling a biblical sport?
Yes, replied Jesus: "Let he who is without spin cast the first stone."

That's leads and seconds for those whose minds aren't as clean as mine...

"Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens."
As You Like It. Act ii. Sc. 1.

One Curling rock to the other
"Hi there gorgeous! My house or yours? I won't take you for Granite"

There's many more here: http://www.curlingzone.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=2306. Anyone know any others?

& Red Allover & Tropic Thunder

I was thinking about Black White & Redallover jokes the other day, & it struck me that "a newspaper" perfectly fits the original premise, with a tight little pun on "red." I was immediately alerted that that is the original joke... We can go thru lives hearing all the variations & never the original, until we think of it ourselves. Why did the baby cross the road (because it was stuck to the cactus that was stuck to the chicken), without ever knowing why the chicken crossed the road. Anyway, in wanted to commission a few new Black White & Redallover jokes, I did some small research & realized we are fast approaching the hundred year anniversary of the original "newspaper" joke! We do need some new Black & White jokes to fit our changing 21st Century landscapes. I thought of several the other day at work:

What's black & white & red all over?
-a black-&-white turtle with hemorrhoids.

What's black & white & red all over?
-Barack Obama wearing lipstick

What's black & white & drags on the ground?
-a "Z"-bra.

The reaction from the first victims wasn't as I hoped, more of a "eww/ohh", than the gold medal chortlings the joketeller craves... But maybe treading the margins of repulsion & scraping away at the surfaces of my audience's inner-hangups (like about the extremely large breasted), is a greater reward?
We watched "Tropic Thunder" last night, & tho I found it a bit hard to hear the dialog or follow the plot, it struck me what a rare-bird the big budget comedy is. Studios are always willing to invest millions in endless schlock dramas, but they hope comedies can be more residential - - - &, like Austin Powers as an easy example, return far more on their investment than so many parading epics. And as all the great dramatists from Shakespeare to Stoppard know, humor is as equally illuminating as sorrow about the universe & the human soul. I won't give any jokes away (like reviewers are supposed to, right?), but the salon.com critic Stephanie Zacharek continued on the theme of dangerous art:

In the early '90s, when Robert Mapplethorpe's sexually explicit photographs were causing a flap about the public funding of art, I recall seeing people wearing buttons decreeing, "Art can't hurt you." But if it can't cut into you, deeply or at all, what good is it?

The same goes for comedy. "Tropic Thunder" is ridiculous and deeply enjoyable, but it also flashes a mercilessly polished mirror at the "prestige" products that the movie business so glibly feeds us in order to reflect glory back on itself. The picture also questions the way we congratulate ourselves for our appreciation of serious pictures and dedicated performances, as if, by applauding their quality, we might somehow be connected with some greater good. Movies can elevate us, helping us locate the best, most generous parts of ourselves. But that doesn't diminish the fact -- as "Tropic Thunder" so painfully reminds us -- that "quality" movies are sometimes made by absolute assholes.

So there were some Shakespearean moments with a crew of actor egos abandoned in the midsummer forest, & there's truth in the bum-fuzzled buffoonery. For instance, it turns out the jokes about retards were actually a send-up of how Oscar-hungry actors portray the slow-witted. I had no idea. So, if you were offended by that humor or the racial humor in this movie, it was actually art breaking down barriers & analyzing our societal repression, et cetera. With that in mind, can we please have some more Black & White jokes, and/or jokes about humongously-endowed chests, to put a mirror up to the shifting scenery?

My favorite color joke (courtesy of Mr David Magnolia Ficke):

What's red & invisible?
No tomatoes.

can this blog handle a politically incorrect joke?

okay, ready?


what is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her Vagina?




I will allow a period of 1 day for you smartasses to try and guess the punchline in the comments section.



and yeah, it's pretty bad.
and no, I'm not sorry at all.

xo
Grainne

Correspondences: Chat with Bulgarity

11:29 PM

me: What happened today in Bulgaria?

11:30 PM James: not much yet, it's 9:30

I'm teaching in 30 minutes or so

me: What will happen.

Good luck. Don't be too hard on them, they are the future.

James: what's white and crawls up your leg?

indeed

11:31 PM me: WHAT

James: Uncle Ben's perverted rice

me: That's a good joke.

James: I thought you'd like it

me: I've got a whale joke, but it's hard to tell over chat.

James: ok. come over later and tell me

me: Just, at the appropriate moment, make loud whale noises.

Whale song.

11:32 PM James: haha

me: So these two whales walk into a bar, & the bartender says, What'll you have?

And the first whale says,

ohh-oooo whaaaaa-oooo-aaa--ooooo ohhh-whoooo whooo-oooo-aaa hhhh-oooo

And the second whale says,

11:33 PM Nothing for him, he's had one too many.

11:34 PM James: haha

great joke, James

11:35 PM me: Is this thing on?

I'm not sure of the perfectly worded punchline yet.

11:36 PM James: who? what?

me: "Nothing for him, he's fucking trashed."

11:38 PM James: I like it better without fucking trashed

the sober whale should be dignified

me: Okay, I appreciate the criticism.

Probably depends on the joke's audience.

11:39 PM James: true

me: The environment.

But enough about jokes.

Any good Bulgarious humor?

11:40 PM James: um... my director's wife's sister dyed her hair before going to the doctor and the dye broke the machine they put on her head

me: That's funny.

Dirty Words: Arnophilia

I've been making sure to drop the word "arnophilia" into casual conversation as often as possible. Looking it up, now, it might be that the only use of this word in literature was from the place I got it, this big book we're reading:

[...]brothels dedicated to a wide range of preferences, including arnophilia, or an unaccustomed interest in sheep, some of the ovine nymphs in these establishments being quite appealing indeed, even to folks who might not wholeheartedly share the taste, with fleeces dyed in a variety of fashionable colors, including the perennial favorites aquamarine and mauve, or wearing items of feminine—not to mention masculine—attire[...]

-Thomas Pynchon, Against The Day, pg. 211.

Wiktionary quotes this under "arno-", & sites only this quote for only this word. I challenge the blogosphere to find early uses of this word (or any variant) elsewhere in literature. (Is it in the OED?) The Against the Day Wiki claims the word was invented by Pynchon, (& they can't resist slipping in one pretty good old joke.)

From a chat with Mr Quill, Thu, Sep 11, 2008:

11:29 AM me: [...]She's a fine figure.

She gave me a little of the sheep's-milk cheese last night, if you know what I mean.

11:33 AM J____ Quill: what do you mean?

me: what do you mean?

J____ Quill: are you implying something sexual via sheep's milk?

cuz that's weird

11:34 AM me: When were you so prudish?

J____ Quill: it's not prudish

it's sheep's milk

me: Isn't there arnophilia in Bulgarious?

J____ Quill: loads

Call for submission for arnophiliac jokes.
There's one website of sheep jokes here.

VISIT ITWASLOST.ORG's special DEPARTMENT OF ARNOPHILIA

Alive-Blogging Live from Obama Nation USA! Post 2: A brief explanation of the beverage Gobias Gobama

For readers of George Eliot's novels & heavy healthy dyspeptics, this joke should require no preamble, but I'll brief in the rest of Obama Nation:
In Arrested Development, a canceled tv sitcom on Fox, there is a character named G.O.B. (played by Will Arnett), pronounced "Jobe" but frequently misponounced "gob". With the character Tobias (David Cross), he proposed to open a "carbo-loading" coffee shop called "Gobias" - "as in, 'Go Buy Us some Coffee'" - obviously, it is mispronounced "Joe-buy-us." Et cetera. Mirth & canned laughter ensues.
When Presidential Candidate & Illinois' junior senator, Barack Obama, announced his running mate would be Sen. Joe Biden, portmanteau enthusiasts across the internets immediately started calling the team "Joe-bama" & "Obiden."
Tonight, we are spread far across this majestic country, united by one common pursuit - live-blogging the Obamamania & drinking Jim Beam, which for the sake of it all, we've rechristened "Joe-Biden-on-the-Colorado-Rocks."

Which brings us to the following obvious joke:

Gobias Gobama

which of course can be mispronounced many ways.
And now we return to our scheduled Live Blogging.

7:56pm Mountain Time Does anyone still actually like Rock & Roll Music? I'm nostalgic for when politicians played Copland's music, dramatic open-plains orchestral stuff. Ah, Aaron Copland, gay leftist Aaron Copland. I'd vote for anything set to Billy the Kid.

Grainne+Olaf:
Barack: "That little American flag was the only toy I had. It was everything to me. It was my Fork. I ate with it."

Barack: "I see myself in lots and lots of white people wearing hardhats"

8:14pm That's Obama, I'm sure of it, I'd recognize him anywhere.

Grainne: Michelle never ceases to amaze me. Is her dress red tiger-stripe or am I hallucinating?
It's kind of cool how they match Malia and Sasha's dresses to their mom's. I dig stagecraft.

8:21pm Why on earth did the Rupubs agree to have their conference immediately after this, & how!? They're all going to look so cute & tiny next week.

Grainne: when are we going to talk about eating white babies?

5:25am in Bulgaria - Time for a working man's first big sip of Gob Biden Bourbon.


8:27 MST - He really needs to top his 2004 convention speech. I'm anticipating goosebumps soon, especially towards the end, but so far, Platitudes count: 3. OVerly repeated stump elements: 5. Let's go Barry, pick it up!

8:28pm What does Barack Obama have against John McCain? He keeps mentioning him like a man obsessed. Get over him.

Grainne: is he deliberately not bringing up the "I have a dream" anniversary? Not wanting to emphasize his blackness in such a big bright spotlight? hm. wonder where that will go.

8:33pm Jenny Ruth says: "Same old shit". But bigger, I would add.
I think he's saving MLK for a big moment.

Grainne: it sure is refreshing when the American Flag is not in the frame at all, and O has that giant Japanese-lantern lookin' background instead.

American Flags are so last century. NEW POST ABOVE! CLEAN CUP! MOVE DOWN!

End-of-May Public House Weblog Quiz

Ah, May, when every lusty heart, that is in any manner a lover, springeth and flourisheth in lusty deeds. Sharpen your intellect, loyal readers, warm up your printers, & test yourselves & your friends with the End-of-May Public House Blog Quiz. Turn off all mobile phones & your wikipedias!


1) According to Islamic Shia, why is there a fatwa against Coca-Cola?
a) There is a hadith that reads, "If a big quantity of anything causes drunkenness, its small quantity is also forbidden". This includes caffeine & unhealthy beverages in general.
b) Coca-cola has never publicly published its recipe - (once a recipe is copyrighted, the copyright can eventually expire). Because the bigwigs in Islamic Law can't know for certain what is in the "natural & artificial flavors", for all they know it could be pig or shellfish & other creepy non-Haram biproducts.
c) In the United States, the Coca-Cola Corporation is the only one legally allowed to import Erythroxylum coca, which it uses to this day as a flavor additive. Coca leaves are, of course, definitely not halal.

2) Why is a raven like a writing desk?
a) I haven't the slightest idea.
b) because the notes for which they are noted are not noted for being musical notes.
c) because there is a 'b' in both.

3) Which two countries will be added to new globes in 2009?
a) Flanders & Wallonia
b) East Timor & Montenegro
c) Texas & The Autonomous Region of Schwarzeneggeria
d) Kosovo & Kurdistan

4) In the early 1970s, when Washoe the Chimpanzee started communicating in American Sign Language, whose theories did it undermine & invalidate?
a) Renee Descartes, who taught that animals are unfeeling machines who act only according to instinct.
b) Charles Darwin, who wrote that human language evolved from simpler forms in a common primate ancestor.
c) Noam Chomsky, whose theory of Universal Grammar understood that only Homo sapiens can creatively build sentences from several words, employ recursive language, & construct explanations for novel occurrences.
d) The works of earlier scientists, who believed that apes could understand & respond to language, but could not speak because they had "no thoughts to express."

5) Which of these literal translations of the expression for "hangover" did I just totally make up? (Thanks to The New Yorker's Joan Acocella)
a) "Made of rubber" (Salvadoran)
b) "Hair ache" (French)
c) "Howling of kittens" (Polish)
d) "Smacked from behind" (Swedish)
e) "Ten O'Clock" (Russian)
f) "Carpenters in the forehead" (Danish)

6) And, which of these hangover cures did I just totally make up?
a) Ten push-ups followed by two fingers of beer, repeated as long as possible. (Germany)
b) Sake-soaked surgical mask (Japan)
c) A bowl of water with honey (Korea)
e) “Pickle juice or a shot of vodka or pickle juice with a shot of vodka.” (Russia)
d) A vinyl statue of St Vivian, patron saint of the hungover (available on amazon.com)
f) Burnt toast
g) “Two shots of vodka, then a cigarette, then another shot of vodka" (The Ukraine)

7) Finally, as a farewell (hopefully) to Hillary Clinton's campaign, guess which flopped YouTube video got the least views:

Equinox: Quotes & Jokes

If we go fast enough & pull up just as we hit those rocks, we might, if we're lucky, clear the ravine & have the ride of our lives!

On the other hand, if we miss, we'll probably spend our few remaining days hooked up to machines & intravenous fluids!

It's either spectacular, unbelievable success, or crushing, hopeless defeat! There is no middle ground!

OK, there is a middle ground, but it's for sissy weasels.

-Bill Waterson, Calvin & Hobbes,
"Attack of the Deranged Mutant Kill Monster Snow Goons" (1992)


Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun...

-Mr Burns, The Simpsons, Season Six: "Who Shot Mr Burns? (Part One)" (1995)


When hawks eat pigeons, do they call it squab?

-witty thing I said at a party


Sweet thing, sweet thing,
Stepping on your violin,
Space Boy, Fly Girl,
Living in the underworld

-David Byrne, "U.B. Jesus", Look Into the Eyeball (2001)

Two fish were in a tank, & one says to the other:
"Doe anyone know how to drive this thing?"

A duck walks into a bar at happy hour & says, "Can I get some peanut butter?" And the bartender says, "No, go away, duck, we don't sell peanut butter here."
Next day, happy hour, the duck comes back & says, "Can I get some peanut butter?" And the bartender says, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't sell peanut butter. Go away, duck."
Next day, same time, happy hour, the duck comes back & says, "Can I get some peanut butter?" And the bartender, furious, says, "No! If you come here & ask for peanut butter one more time, I'm going to staple you to the wall. Go away, duck."
So, the next day, at happy hour, the duck comes back & says, "Can I get a stapler?" And the bartender says, "No, I don't have a stapler!" So, the duck says: "Okay, then can I get some peanut butter?"

List: & More Unexploded Cows: & More Unexploded Cows

-Bonfire on Ocean Beach in San Francisco - in the city, even beach fires are surrounded by several dozen other beach fires.

-My underwear are both 100% cotton & 100% algodon. 200%!

-I saw this band, the Oakland-founded Fishtank Ensemble, perform at the Ashkenaz last Wednesday. They are gypsy-ish, with amazing fiddle & accordion playing, but they also boast a rockin' Japanese Saraimon player. Go to their MySpace & listen to their song "Saraimon".

-Cheapass Games is a company which makes games without the interchangeable parts (like, bring your own dice, poker pieces, monopoly money, &c.) Meaning that they're $7.50 instead of $29.99. We've been playing "Unexploded Cow" all week, which involves blowing up British Mad Cows in French fields. The game is chaotic, with a large deck of "cow" & "event" cards with crazy properties. Also, several blank cards - which led me to write the company requesting many more blank cards, to create many more cows. Possibly, a whole extra deck of cows & events on its way.

-It's March!

-The Latest from Jenny Ruth traveling in Bolivia:

Shit! As usual, I composed a long message and it got erased before I was able to send it.

I´m tired and the computer is slow, but the main point is that I start volunteering with monkeys here at the refuge in the rainforest tomorrow. There are some great pictures that Charlotte took today. It´s all exciting and a great opportunity and extremely wet but the sad part (for me) is that the monkeys that I´ll be working with I will feed and do a lot of cleaning for but I´m not allowed any contact at all with them because they are being prepared to be re-released into the wild (!). It´s awesome to be a part of that aspect of it and I´ll still get to walk through the areas where I can play with these fun ones. There are all kinds of animals in the park but you don´t get to choose what your job is and you cannot visit other areas of the park during your stay. The other opportunity that I may have been given was working with an oscilot. I have no idea how to spell that.

More later, I miss and love you all,

Jenny

Joke:

How do you titillate an Ocelot?

Answer to the Joke:

You oscillate its tit a lot.

Mining for forgotten Jesus jokes

I was just sifting thru some of the local folklore archives on campus. There are file cabinets full of jokes. Here's two harmless Jesus ones:

Three wise men were crossing a field on their way to Jerusalem. One of them stepped on a rake in the field, which swings up & hits him in the face. The injured wise man, yells 'Jesus Christ!' Another one retorts quickly, 'Great name for the kid!'

-Andy H_ (Age 21, Kansas City, MO) told to Prof. Pete S_, 14 December, 1965

Another variant recorded was “That beats the hell out of Irving!” (San Francisco, 1969). However, the archivist weirdly feels the need to explain that, because the wise man couldn't have known the expletive “Jesus Christ” before Jesus was born, that “Irving” must have been an early Jewish curse. Not sure I agree with that scholarship.

Jesus & Moses sit together & are talking about the good old days. They decide after long debate, that they should do some of their old stuff again. So they go down to the water, & Moses flings open his arms to the sea. Sure enough, it parts right open. Jesus walks out on the water, but starts sinking slowly, & finally he has to swim back to the shore. He goes out, & says 'What happened? Why can't I do that anymore?' & Moses says, 'The last time you tried that you didn't have those holes in your feet.'

-Told by Laurie M____ (Student, Berkeley, CA) to D.G., 17 October, 1974

Photos: Countdown to Nevada Day

My birthday present from my father was a large Nevada Flag, which will hang in the center room in my apartment. We hung it temporarily last Wednesday at Harold Ave in Ingleside - there are some more spectacular photographs with my brother & I being developed, but consider these two (from Miss Willis's camera) as a teaser, & please check back this website on October 31st.

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.

- Henry Kissinger

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

- Ernie Kovacs

Jokes about Churches & Elephants at the End of May

Khizr: Did you hear about the Church Without Walls?
Musa: No, what about it?
Khizr: The ceiling crushed the congregation.

Khizr: Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkly with tiny hairs?
Musa: Why?
Khizr: Because if they were small, white, smooth & hairless, they would be aspirin tablets.
Musa: What?
Khizr: I told you that you would not be able to understand me.

Khizr: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Musa: I don't know. Why?
Khizr: To stamp out fires.
Musa: I will be patient in all things. I will be patient in all things.

Khizr: Why do elephants have large flat feet?
Musa: Why do elephants have large flat feet?
Khizr: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Musa: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Khizr: You have come down with a case of echolalia, & so, this will be the parting between you & me.

Photos: Fallen Leaf Lake & Desolation Wilderness, Fall 2004

These are photos from my first season working at the Stanford Sierra Conference Center, on Fallen Leaf Lake, which is just South of Lake Tahoe in California. Click on the image to see it larger.

“Dear old man,” she said, softening down, & a little shifting the subject, “when you think of that old kinsmen of yours, you know there must be a secret closet in this chimney.”

“Secret ash-hole, wife, why don’t you have it? Yes, I dare say there is a secret ash-hole in the chimney; for where do all the ashes go to that we drop down the queer hole yonder?”

“I know where they go to; I’ve been there almost as many times as the cat.”

“What devil, wife, prompted you to crawl into the ash-hole! Don’t you know that St Dunston’s devil emerged from the ash-hole? You will get your death one these days, exploring all about as you do. But supposing there be a secret closet, what then?”

“What, then? why what should be in a secret closet but – ”

“Dry bones, wife,” broke in I with a puff, while the sociable old chimney broke in with another.

-Herman Melville, “I and my Chimney” (1856)

Infinite sad mischief has resulted from the profane bursting open of secret recesses.

-Herman Melville, “I and my Chimney” (1856)

A man walks into a bar, & half of his head is an orange.

The bartender says: “If you don’t mind me asking, why is half of your head an orange?”

The man replies: “Well, it’s a funny story. I was in a mysterious cave in Turkmenistan, & I found a lamp, & when I rubbed it a magic genie came out & gave me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked that my wallet would always be full of money, so no matter where I was, & opened it, there’d be more bills in it.”

The bartender said: “Gee, that’s a pretty smart wish.”

The man says, “Yeah. For my second wish, I asked that no matter where I passed out, no matter how drunk or wasted I was, when I woke up, I would be in my own bed with no hangover.”

The bartender said: “Wow, that’s a really great wish. What was your third wish?”

The man says, “For my third wish, I asked that half of my head would be an orange.”

-Joke told to me by Miss Jennie Jo Lee.

From the Archives: The Tasin of jokes that are not funny

The Tasin of jokes that are not funny

This was the end of a paper I wrote for a class on Sufism, my senior year of college.

Khizr. Did you hear the one about the mystic who, realizing both light and darkness flow from the same head, embraced both?

Musa. No, I haven’t heard that one.

Khizr. His body and soul were elongated both up and down the river of life!

Khizr. What’s the difference between the ‘aynⁱ from which Iblis fell and the ‘ayn of ‘ayn from which Ahmad averted his gaze?

Musa. The source is unmoved by the motions it moves?

Khizr. How do you know? You know nothing. When citizens of the British Empire were visiting the Indian colony, the pricier cabins on the ships around the coast of Africa were on the left side there and the right side back – for a purer vision of the shore. This is where the expression ‘posh’ comes from – Port Out, Starboard Home. Direction determines everything.

Khizr. Did you hear the one about the Pharoah who only believed in himself?

Musa. Through the power of the One, We increased his plagues ninefold until he was an isolated unit of individuality?

Khizr. No. His pure atheism led unto an absolute annihilation and unification.

Khizr. What happened when Rabi‘a so witnessed the creator that it preoccupied her from gazing on the creationⁱⁱ?

Musa. What?

Khizr. What happened when Narcissus fell in love with his own image and drowned?

Musa. What?

Khizr. What?

Musa. They’re both dead?

Khizr. Didn’t I say to you that you would not be able to be patient with meⁱⁱⁱ?

Khizr. What happened when Echo pined away with love for Narcissus?

Musa. You will find me patient, God willing, and I will not disobey you in anything.

Khizr. Did you hear the one about the mystic who memorized the whole Book?

Musa. No, I have not.

Khizr. They released it in paperback.

Musa. No, really, what happened? Was he able to translate it into every moment in Time and Space across which he came? Did even his subconscious become a sign?

Khizr. Has the Lord again been telling you he will show you his face, and then merely crumbling mountains?

Khizr. Did you hear about the mystic who closed his eyes?

Musa. He ran into a tree?

Khizr. No. But the pigeon never crooned so mellifluous.

Khizr. Did you hear the one about the abject lover whose separation from God was complete?

Musa. No. What happened to him?

Khizr. He was given back his name, the Faithful.

Musa. But if there were no darkness, there would be all light.

Khizr. This is the parting between you and me.

i“Because of its rich semantic base, the Arabic word ‘ayn is frequently difficult to translate. It can mean ‘eye’, ‘source’, ‘spring’, or ‘essence’, or even ‘concrete manifestation’ of something.” Michael Sells, Early Islamic Mysticism, 1996, Paulist Press, New York; pg. 273.

ii ibid., pg.165

iii Qur’an 18:75, trans. Kristin Zahra Sands