From the Archives: Article from Sarah Lawrence's The Bubble (c. Feb. 2002)

Acheans Exasperate Sarah Lawrence Heterosexuals
by John Apollodorus, Bubble Correspondent

In a symposium last Thursday in our Esther Raushenbush Library’s Pillow Room (also known as “The Smoking Lounge”), several renowned Greek thinkers, including Phaedrus, Pausanias, Eryximachus, Aristophanes, and Socrates, were invited to chat with students and faculty from Sarah Lawrence College. The panelists reclined on large pillows while drinking watered-down coffee and speaking of Love.

After several of the Greeks had spoken for awhile about their ridiculous pagan gods, Greg Appleton, vice-secretary of the Sarah Lawrence Coalition for Heterosexual Relations, accused Aristophanes and Eriximachus of favoring Eranian relations between a teacher and his beloved youth to “like, good old fashion fucking, you know.”

“That mother-lover Socrates actually, like, implied that sex in pursuit of knowledge could bring you, like, up some sort of stupid fucking proverbial ladder toward some sort of, like, Platonic higher level or something,” said Appleton afterwards. “I don’t know, like, you know, sex is just sex, and, like, gay sex is just as fun as straight sex, you know? And giving your teacher a blow-job is just sick.”

The symposium was interrupted and ended early when the “It’s-Me” Man, Sarah Lawrence’s infamous telephonic heckler, stumbled in drunk and tried to seduce Socrates.